I'm embarrassed to have written some of this
This post is going to be a massive one. That's because I'm shutting down my xanga, and copying and pasting all my worthwhile xanga posts onto blogspot.
I know there's probably a better way to do this, but I want to do it here and now.
So here you are. Enjoy my ramblings.
(note: I'll do this from earliest to latest, so that if you cared you would be able to get a good sense of my mental growth/evolution)
POST Breakfast cereals are so good. And good for you. They're delicious, nutritious, and make you ambitious! Yay Posting! I especially like Raisin Bran with two scoops of raisins. Greetings, everyone, I am Nate's current poster-in-residence. HAH. That is not really my name. Can you imagine someone named "Nate's current poster-in-residence"? I mean, come on, you'd have to have like three dads to have a last name with two hyphens. Actually, my name is Patrick Sauncy-residence, and I'm here to talk to you about posting. The term 'post' is derived through Middle- and Old English from the Latin term 'postis,' which of course came from 'postess,' meaning a female poster. Back then, posters and postesses courted and married, and subsequently produced post offspring. When ported to Middle English, this word transmutated from a term meaning 'infant poster or postis (postess)' to one meaning 'an erect, wooden structure used for the attachment of fences.' As time wore on, and Old English moved to the Middle, farmers began placing paper notices on their posts exhorting their cattle to remain in the confines of the weak wooden fences. This practice became known as 'posting,' and ignoring 'posts' became known as 'being a freakin' fat lazy cow.' When these farmers started to realize that their neighbors resembled the cows in their fields, they jokingly 'posted' messages to their fellow farmers on their fence posts. When their crops died during the Irish Potato Famine, these farmers migrated to large cities, in order to starve to death in comfort. Although they were able to forsake their humble roots, they could not give up the practice of marking off their territory, and brought their fences, posts and all, with them. On a side note, this is what started the abominable custom of walled subdivisions in cities such as Scottsdale. These urban farmers also continued to 'post' messages on their posts, and this custom was adopted by numerous institutions in the big cities. They began to use the much more accessible bulletin boards, and 'posting' spread throughout the world. With the advent of the internet, bulletin boards were electronically recreated, and made into newsgroups, fan clubs, and weblogs such as Xanga. As it has most things it touches, the internet has both benefitted and corrupted the age-old practice of the post. itz noww pramizzabel fer ppl 2 ad posts sch az dis wid cmpleet impyuniddy. That, my friends, is why I am now serving as poster-in-residence on N8olio's weblog. I will try my best to repair the once-noble posting culture, and educate the denizens of the internet as to proper posting protocol and etiquette, as well as offer tips on the techniques of the master posters. I'll probably screw around a bit too, and offer some insights regarding other things. I'd like to take this time to publicly thank N8olio for his generocity and hospitality in hosting me for the next few months. Farewell.
Emo: Genre of softcore punk music that integrates unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year olds who dont smile, high pitched overwrought lyrics and inaudible guitar rifts with tight wool sweaters, tighter jeans, itchy scarfs (even in the summer), ripped chucks with favorite bands signature, black square rimmed glasses, and ebony greasy unwashed hair that is required to cover at least 3/5 ths of the face at an angle.
Ethan280z: if aol were a person
Ethan280z: i would hit hime with a brick
pegasus6 7 89: haha yeah.
pegasus6 7 89: but if the internet were a person, id totally make out with him. cuz i love the internet.
Ethan280z: yea
Ethan280z: id be his friend
Ethan280z: but aol would be like the high school nerdy loser guy who thinks hes cool, but gets hit with bricks casue hes just not
pegasus6 7 89: oh, i agree.
Ethan280z: and the internet would be the popular quarterback who is nice to everyone and gets straight a's
pegasus6 7 89: right.
pegasus6 7 89: and he'd always smell good
pegasus6 7 89: and have nice hair
Ethan280z: he would let aol hang out with him, cause hes just that cool
Ethan280z: but
Ethan280z: all f the internets other friends would hate him
pegasus6 7 89: yeah, and talk about aol behind his back.
Ethan280z: Cable and DSL would prolly push him into lockers of somthing
Ethan280z: Netscape and MSN wouldnt be that mean, cause they arent super cool, but they would still make up rumors about him, and talk about his mom
Currently Reading
Furby Trainer's Guide
By J. Douglas Arnold, Mark Elies, Douglas J. Arnold
see related
And now, specially for YOU, comes the wildly exciting...
TOP TEN BEST THINGS TO DO WITH A FURBY
10) Tie it to a chair, put it in front of the TV and put the movie Gigli on repeat.
9) Heat up a soldering iron and try to put it all the way through the furby. Make it a game. Try and do it in three shots or less
8) Shave the furby. Then buy a voodoo doll, tie the fuby hair around the neck of the doll (more hair, more fun), then proceed to poke the doll with needles until the furby cries....or stomp on it
7) Take the Furby to the airport and put him through the x-ray machine with a label on him that says "NOT A BOMB". The airport gustapo will know what to do.
[editors note: It's best not to watch this procedure as it may cause mental breakdowns later in life]
6) Teach the Furby to say "Vote Bush", and "Bush saved America", then send it via airmail to Berkeley.
5) Use a trebuchet to launch the furby into a wall.
4) Cover the furby in napalm, light it on fire and then use a trebuchet to launch the furby into a wall.
3) Start an 18 year old T-ball league, and use the furby as a ball then cover the furby in napalm, light it on fire and then use a trebuchet to launch the furby into a wall.
2) Drown the furby and then start an 18 year old T-ball league, and use the furby as a ball then cover the furby in napalm, light it on fire and then use a trebuchet to launch it into a wall.
And the #1 thing to do with a furby...
1) Get the furby addicted to crystal meth, causing it to go into depression, lose weight, and start picking at its skin. After a while, bring it back to health and then plunge it into the same crystal meth addiction that it had before then you can drown the furby and then start an 18 year old T-ball league, and use the furby as a ball then cover the furby in napalm, light it on fire and then use a trebuchet to launch it into a wall.
Currently Playing
Greenpeace: Rainbow Warriors
By Various Artists
What the freak? a CD about saving the atmosphere?!?
see related
Dear Readers.
The following section has been deemed innapropriate for the following minorities:
Hippies, Old people, Visgoths, Communists, The French, Women, Young People, People that are offended by nudity, People with epilepsy, Cancer Victims, Cancer Survivors, Thesbians, Anyone who has ever been invloved with the law, Boys under the age of 11, Patrick Sauncy, and White people.
Now that i have built this up, i have to think of somthing better to write about. Got it: Heres a story of why hippies suck. Many of you have heard of the organization called greenpeace. Devoted to saving the atmosphere, rainforest and small puppies. An organization so lame that it makes me want to get a can of pure CFCs and spray it into the air out of spite, and smoke an entire pack of unfiltered cigarettes. This group called greenpeace, which will be henceforth refered to as 'Girly Men', or GM for short, had a small fishing trawler, called "the rainbow warrior"(much like UofH). This boat got the crap kicked out of it by FREAKING france. The boat was originally brought up to protest the testing of nuclear arms in the ocean, which is an awesome idea, due to the fact that the whales were massing an attack on europe. So anways, the boat gets blown up by france, but 'no one knows who did it'. If GM wasnt such an organization of small girls, they would raid france and burn down the Eiffel tower. but thats never gonna happen, so dont get your hopes up. Anyways, thats the story for y'all today.
Tune in next time to see who would win in a battle of Texas vs Samurai
Oh, insert graphic innapropriate material right........here.
Sometimes i hear people talk about why we are in Iraq. People will then bring up how we are there for oil, and not just for the Iraqi people. I never really understood the validity of this argument to show how we shouldnt be in Iraq, i mean, i hope we are there for oil.... I heard it put this way before, "It's kinda hard to run your car on Middle East democracy". Anyone who argues with us getting cheaper oil for being in Iraq, is dumb. I'll explain why.
1) money is hard to get
2) Oil costs a lot of money
3) this mean, that Oil is hard to get.
4) cheaper oil means less money spent, which also means less time spent at work working for money, (or just more money in the bank, whichever)
5) This either means you have more time to do things that you like, or more money to do things that you like.
6) that means more fun
7) So the war in Iraq, in addition to providing democracy for the people there, (the elections went fabulously by the way) is providing FUN for the consumer. i.e. you and me.0
Im not opposed to a little extra fun....
People who dont like the war in Iraq, dont like fun, and are communists.
Soap Operas Suck
For the first time in my life, I sat down and I watched an entire episode of a soap opera sitcom thing. Well, not the whole episode, in fact, I left after about 15 minutes to do somthing more productive, like hit myself in the temple with a ball pean hammer.I think the show was like Passions or some crap like that. At least the title couldn't be ANY MORE WRONG. There was nothing passionate about the load of putrid grabage that slowly slid into my brain, rendering me unable to leave or look away. I was able to finally turn it off when it hit the comercial break. It wasnt like being 'glued to your seat', it was like being paralyzed because you were bitten by a poisonus snake. The only suitable explanation is that this show is like mental quicksand. BUT, because I am a unbiased and fair individual, I'll do like the pros, and rate this television show on several different aspects: (explained below)
Entertainment: 2
Acting: 0
Originality: 1
Number-of-times-you-would-have-to-hit-yourself-with-a-hammer-to-equal-one-veiwing-of-Passions: 7-8
This show was not entertaining in the least, but it still got a two because it had bright colors, and interesting dialouge. No, wait, that was the Sears commercial, my bad.
If I was in charge of casting the roles for Passions, I would have myself taken outside, and hit with a bat until I couldnt move. Not to say the actors were bad or anything, but I think Anna Nichole Smith and Vin Deisel could have done a better job....
No. No No and No on originality. Wait, so he cheated on you with your sister before you gave birth to a child, while the father of the baby is dating his ex-wife? Nobody gives a crap, and nobody likes you. Think of somthing that hasn't been the subject of multiple O.C. episodes, and while your at it, grow some balls because nobody likes your burntout sensitive hippy bullcrap.
Im not exactly sure of the the exact number of times, but it seems to depend on how hard you swung the hammer. For all my Passions viewers out there, i propose a challenge to you. Make a game out of hitting yourself in the temple while watching the show. It'll be the most rewarding thing you have probably ever done.
Tune in next time to for "Reality TV sucks"
Problems with the world:
Reality TV.
Come on. Survivor is one thing, but al this new st*ff (hinting at it being a swear word) like Surreal life, and Whos Your Daddy? (sidenote: I havent seen either of these shows, so I suppose my opinion is invalid, however I maintain that I know everything) Really though, any show that makes Paris Hilton( or anyone equally talented) a star should enver be watched, or maybe they should even have their studio burned to the ground. Not a bad idea if you ask me. I suppose that you cant blame the studio though. I mean, all these scottsdale girls with their daddy's BMWs and Mercedes dont have jobs, so they have nothing better to do then watch somthing as abismal as Desperate Housewives. There should be some sort of screening device that can disallow shows that have no purpose or that just suck. I mean, Jackass doesnt really have a purpose, but it makes me laugh, so it stays.I should be elected king of the world so I could get rid of all the hippy garbage on television.
So now as promised (ignoring the school posting below) Nate Palmer, famed architect and world politic advisor brings you the following...
WHY WAR IS GOOD AND HIPPIES ARE BAD
I have often seen people on the side of the road protesting. I fully support protesting, don't get me wrong. It helped workers out in the early 1900's and continues to evoke change throughout the country. Here's why im posting. I saw a bunch of people on the news protesting the war in Iraq, with signs saying "war is bad" and "Leave Iraq alone!" Since I love lists, I'll start with one of those, entitled "Why you shouldn't be protesting"
1) Because nothing will change, because no one likes you.
2) Ignoring the obvious changes for the better in Iraq, and yummy oil., I can totally justify their point of view, oh wait, nope, thats still my point of view,
3) Stop wasting your time hanging out with hippies and go do somthing productive, like post on a xanga site.
4) stop wasting my time that is spent bitching about you.
There you have it. Four excellant reasons
Also, let me just reiterate one of the signs. "War is bad". There. A message so simple, and yet filled with such heinous lies that i wouldnt let my sister hear somthing like that. Lets think back, deep into the history of my favorite country: America.
We had a war once, or more then once, but one distinctly come to mind. the American REVO-freaking-LUTION. Yea, that war was pretty much the worst thing that happend to America you stupid cracked out hippies. That was a war, and it only bought us our freedom from out despotic english kings with bad teeth, which as far as im concerned, is way better then anything any hippie has EVER done for the world.
Also, there was another war, called by many "World War Two". I never saw fightning facism and Nazis as being a bad thing, and probably never will. So, not only do these protesting jerks hate freedom, but they also really like brits and Nazis both of whom I dont really like (unless their name is Sophie or Chi, and they are british, becasue they are fun, and they have accents which make me happy). So as we can see by my completely valid and WELL thought out arguments above(which although far from being good arguments, are far better then any hippie crap) war is good, because it solves problems, like those pesky Nazis and terrorists running around. Plus if we didnt have war, we wouldnt have Blue Angels or Thunderbirds, and patrick sauncy would have to pay to go to college.
Plus, hippies wear tie-dye, and most people will say that went out with the 80's, but the truth is that it was never 'in' .
Final thought: If people are going to piss me off and protest war, then they might as well do it:
while holding signs that say "War is bad exept for the American Revolution, World war two, World war one, and the War of 1812"
or
they might as well protest naked, becuase that would make me laugh, and plus they have a better chance of getting beat up by some hick with a shovel.
Well, I'll start off this post with a bit of honesty....well, honesty with a flare.
I'm at home, by myself, not really wanting to be home, but here nontheless....smoking phatty blunts.
I'm here today to talk to you, my mature audience, about the importance of not being a vampire. There are a couple reasons for that. One is that vampires suck. Tight leather, underground raves, and orgies to boost mystical powers totally went out with 1997. I guess vampires just didnt get the memo. But that will happen when you sleep all day and just go out at night to suck peoples blood. It doesn't leave much room for checking email or checking for faxes, which is the coolest way to get a memo, as everyone knows.
Another reason that vampires suck, is becuase of a couple movies with a man named Blade in them. I mean sure, you've got buffy, and all those other teen hearthrobs going around killing 'vampires', which im sure are just actors, (which is another word for people that aren't really what they say they are), but Blade stands out among the vampire killing croud. Im sure you can think of more, but ill lay out a few reasons for that right now. Number 1 . He's huge. Number 2. forget your stupid wooden stake, and leave the garlic at home. Blade uses a sword and and about an entire mol(chemistry anyone?) of manliness to vanquish his evildoing foes. Cant go wrong with that. Number 3. The name Blade is really cool. Some people tell me that they have grown up and gotten past the point where they think names like 'Blade' 'Spike' and 'The Edge' are cool. But as far as i'm concerned, Ill never be that grown up, so eff them, I wish my name was blade, and you should wish yours was too.
Anyways....
Vampires also suck because of the 'new generation' of vampires. This does not involve the hardcore 'magic power orgy' vampires, but the 13 year old girls and boys who carve symbols into their arms, dress in black, wear fake pointed teeth, and do things like the "Oija Board". Not cool. I mean, some people need to get out of dungeons and dragons for a while and realize that not only they arent gonna get hired when they apply for a job, but also that someone might be tempted(as many of us are) to stab them in the heart with s a garlic-emersed-silver-plated-wooden cross, just to see if they melt or somthing. I mean, i get that desire all the time. Seriously, the next time Im going to watch a movie at a theater, and while im walking to get my ticket, some pre-adolecent brat decides to hiss at me, they'll find themselves with a mouth full of steel toed boot, if they're lucky. If they're unlucky, I'll have a can of mase and a cattle prod(which i dont believe affect real vampires).
Also, one final thought on why vampires blow. Sucky movies. Let me just name one cause im tired. Queen of the Damned. Summary: A vampire is raised from the dead after hearing some really sucky music that he thinks is 'his style'. Then some stuff happens and the movie still sucks. Assessment: don't see this movie. No one will like you if you do.
So until next time,
Stay away from vampires and all of their evil wrongdoings, and have a fabolous day.
N8
Breaking my longstanding rule of no-5-comments-no-new-post, I would like to take this time and dedicate it to my fallen homies.
Anyways, onto business as usual.
PROM + SLEEPOVER = HOSTAGE SITUATION?
As many of you know, last Saturday night was Xavier College Prep's Prom. I was invited to go as i had beaten Foley/Erik for the spot of going with a girl named Kayte. So, we go meet at her house, take pictures, go to Phoenix civic plaza, take more pictures, stand around, be involved in the taking of pictures, and eventually make it in to dinner, which was served at prom, during which, many pictures were taken. Anyhow, I can’t complain, because the food is all right, and we are talking and having a nice time. They have the Groove Merchants playing in the background, and they are setting the stage for a good night. Anyhow, when dinner is finished, and the Groove Merchants are supposed to leave and then let the DJ put on some gangsta rap, they must forget their cue, because they play for the rest of the night. Some people say that I’m stupid for complaining about live music, but I say screw them, Ill complain if I want to.
So I don’t get my fix of rap musica. Which isn’t necessarily a horrible thing, but I was still a bit disappointed.
So, afterwards, we head back to Kayte’s house blah blah blah blah blah. Once we get to Liz’s house, where the sleepover is taking place, we blah blah blah blahblah. So, it’s three in the morning, and I want to go to sleep. Then Apryl tells me, “You can’t go to sleep, you’ll get kicked out!”
….WTF
I think she’s joking, but it turns out, she’s not. The dad had issued an order a few days prior to this ‘sleepover’ that the boys were not allowed to go to sleep. WAIT. Before you ask, “What the hell is he thinking?” consider these words.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
So go ahead and ask. I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA, but I do know that he would get up every hour or so to police the house and make sure no guys were asleep. Now, there was no reason for this, other then him being an overprotective and none too bright douche bag. Think about it. If your daughter were in the house with a couple guys who are sleeping over, would you like to have the guys awake and bored or asleep?
So, let that be a lesson to all you potentially stupid people out there. DON’T DO STUPID THINGS.
P.S. I’m going to start carrying a gun, just in case something like this ever happens again, I can be destructive in the proper manner.
P.S.S. No one look at Sam’s Site.
Love
Nate
So, as many of my favorite xanga readers may be aware, I work at a place called subway. where even YOU can eat fresh. As I tire of lists, i shall embark on a new frontier of communication: The STORY
Setup: I'm standing behind the counter with my tiny plastic gloves on, waiting to help the next person in line, because im a good person. Yes, its true. I shoot for employee of the month every day. Aiming for the bullseye is the only way to live. But Rod Humenik could have told you that...
Anyways, a lady, her husband, and her 2 children walk in. Now, I love children....not really...but i dont mind children, so long as the behave. Which becomes a problem.
From the moment the couple set foot in the door of the resteraunt, it was clear that not only was the missus wearing the pants in the relationship, but the man clearly did not give a DAMN what anyone else in the family did. This is also a problem. I need a note on the door:
NOTICE TO PARENTS: KEEP YOUR CHILDREN/SPOUSES UNDER CONTROL, OR THEY WILL BE EXECUTED.
Some people would say that's bad business, but then again, some people also say that the Irish built the great wall of china.
But i diverge
Anyhow, the lady walks up to the counter, and drowns out my o so friendly greeting, by demanding to know what the special that day was. (roasted chicken breast). I tell her, because im just that great. She then points to a sheet of coupons that look like she just pulled out of the trash, and inquires if we take them.....I say yes, but she wants me to take all of them. I dont want to take all of them, becuase thats against the rules
Meanwhile, her kids are climbing all over the counter, running around and causing havoc. I quote "I can smell my way to the chips, and now I can smell my way back!!!11!!" I grimace at the mess i know that ill get to clean up later.
So the lady starts to complain that I should take her coupons, and that if i dont she'll call my manager. Mid whine, she switches techniques, and starts trying to coerce me into taking them because i look like a "good boy" that "would do nice things for people".
Since the rest of the story involves me bending over and taking it "in the tailpipe", so to speak, and taking her crap for 20 minutes, I'll relate the story as it should have played out. I should have taken control of the situation long before i got irritated, however, i like having a job.
So, the better version would go somthing like this:
As soon as she starts to whine about coupons, I should have jumped over the counter, and hit her in the knees with a bat. Just as a friendly "hey dont go there" kind of gesture. As her husband gets up to mildly protest, I pimp slap him and tell him to take that womanly crap somewhere else, before throwing him out of the store. The children start to cry, and immediatly follow their fathers path outside. The woman at the counter, in shock over being assaulted with a bat starts to scream. She in turn gets slapped, this time with the chicken breast sandwich that she so desired, and then sent out of the restauant with a firm repremand.
And thats how it should have been.
Love always,
Nate
P.S. I appologise for the violence toward small children and women in this post. I toned it down a bit: i.e. replaced "pistol whipped her in the face with my glock" for a gentle knee tap.
P.S.S. Still at war with sam. Nobody look at his site, or at him,...
Update on Not your xanga site.
Me and Sam are still at war. So don’t visit his site. That’s bad news. However, you can visit Kyle's site, which rocks
Anyways, onto my proposed solution to old people, entitled:
WHY OLD PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE DRIVING
So I was driving through Scottsdale the other day, specifically, down the 101 between shea and cactus. Up ahead of me, I see break lights, and not just any break lights, but BUICK lights. So, as I swerve to avoid a near fatal accident with the taillights, and the car that was attached, I look inside, and see an old lady inside, who could barely see over the steering wheel. The reason for her brake lights being on, and why she was going 30 miles an hour, was that there were some landscaping workers, not on the road, but on the gravel. There was nothing in the road, and nothing that could even be remotely deserving of break lights like that. So naturally, I started cursing, and honking and flipping her off. Well, not really, but I should have. What I really did, was think of things that old people would be better off doing then driving. It went something as follows.
Construction work. - I mean, what could be better for them then getting out and getting some exercise and fresh air? Also, this will help when old people talk about things that happened in their day. You know, the "when I was your age, I could build a house in three days!" Well, now you have a chance, lets see it grandpa.
Army/marine corp. - you may be surprised at this, but I think that if you put an old person in a big enough tank, and just let them go in the general direction of whatever it is you want destroyed, you have a pretty good chance of getting whatever you want done. Also, they're going to die soon anyway, so it wouldn’t matter if they got blown up. It would be quicker and easier then cancer.
Computer Technician. - Haha just kidding, old people cant do that.
Farming. - Another good idea would be to put all old people on a HUGE farm, and just make them do it like they used to. Waking up at 5 to milk the cows? Doesn’t sound so good to me, but whatever. That way other farmers would soon go out of business, and would have to do something more productive, either that or go become white trash and liver in a trailer...which is funny.
Comedians. - In case you haven’t noticed, old people are funny. Sometimes they say things that no one should say, or they just talk about the way it was back in Nam. Either way, I would listen to some old person stand on stage and talk about the way it used to be. That has potential to be really great. And besides, if it was boring, you could just fire a gun, or drop a book or something, and then I practically guarantee it would make you laugh. HAHA flashbacks...
Work at the DMV. - Just cause I wouldn’t want too....
Baby Food. - I'm not going to say anything else
Anyways, all of these completely valid and good opinions should be put into action right now. Either that, or we could just launch all old people into space. Also entertaining.
If I left any good ideas out, please let me know.
As always, enjoy your day
Two things that bother me, Hypocrisy and Double Standards.
In case I only really exist in my own little world, and no one else knows what I’m talking about, I’ll give an example. Listening to two kids talking about video gaming the other day. One said that another kid was a loser because of the RPGs that he played. And this kid was really going off, like he had been personally offended by the video game playing or something. Anyways, after going on and on for a while, the conversation turns to other things, and with that, the kid who was doing the commenting, and who will be henceforth known as ‘the angry kid’ starts talking about his video game playing. He goes on about his shadow warrior (or something) with the same fervor that he seemed to have for hating the other kid’s video gaming. I was almost taken aback because of the inconsistency of the two conversations, only minutes apart. And again, had I been ruler of the world at this time, His head would have been a trophy on my wall. However, I’m not allowed to do things like that, and being a good law abiding citizen, I refrained.
I then realized, that I am a perpetrator of the same evil of having double standards for different people. I HATE THAT. This post, plus the previous statement, also makes me a hypocrite, and I don’t like hypocrites either. My hatred for them puts them on the list somewhere between hippies and communists….old communists that drive really slow.
So, using my deductive reasoning that I learned in geometry, I’ll put this together.
I hate people who use double standards.
I hate hypocrites.
I use double standards.
That makes me a hypocrite.
So I hate myself, not once, but twice over. However, hate is generally known as being a negative thing. So, on with the reasoning.
Hate is negative.
A negative and a negative make a positive.
So…
Hating myself twice is the same as not hating myself at all.
HA!
I’ll rationalize my way to the top if I have to.
Nate
Oh well, here I am again, breaking my rule. Ill say that the exception this time was that my last post was not of the highest caliber...which it wasn’t. Oh well, I’m over it. Onto newer and better matters.
I have never really had beef with this subject before; I have just been more pissed off at the people that engage in it. Calling them "stupid", "ugly", and "brain-dead" has never seemed too harsh. However, I almost seemed to require a new word this type of conversation that is unintelligible at best. So here it is:
Instant message conversations will cause the demise of our society.
Some people say that’s way over the line. However, these people are stupid, and deserve to get piled into a dump truck, and get dropped into a Giant Incinerator (patent pending). Let me just lay this out for you the way it will happen, and then my proposed solution, If I don’t go to bed first.
First, the internet is invented, and with that comes instant messaging. acronyms like 'lol' and 'roflol' and 'lmaoroflol' become common place, and soon, no one even notices or cares that language has been 'let go of' by society in return for meaningless robotic slang.
Second, these acronyms invade conversation, because hey, who wants to give a half hearted laugh at something that wasn't funny, when they can just say 'lol'? However, as much as I loathe 'lol', that isn’t the whole problem. Only like maybe one leg of the beast that is pointless conversation. The thing I really have issues with, and if it were a man, would take outside and beat with a chair, is the conversation that goes something like this"
a) hey
b) yo
a) sup?
b) nm, u?
a) n2m
b) cool
a) yea
b) dija see my new myspace pic?
a) yea!
a) lol!
a) cool
b) thx
b) thas me'n jim
a) i no jim
a) hes so funny
a) lol
b) lol
b) brb
a) k
....
b) bk
a) cool
a) bt i g2g
b) k
b) peace
a) bye
For the sake of me having something to bitch about, let’s review. I realize this was made up; however, I admit that sometime during my freshman or sophomore year, I had conversations like that, so don’t tell me that this isn’t real or could never happen. BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN EVERY DAY. And the worst part is, they are feeding into our face to face conversations. However, lest I forget, let’s see what was said in that fictional conversation.
NOTHING.
Nothing in that conversation matters to anyone, and all it boils down to be, is acronym typing practice, which is useful in its own right, don’t get me wrong, however, this is no conversation and will henceforth cease to be referred to as one.
As this element of pop culture permeates our very society, we become dumber and dumberer. (A lot like the movie...in that it wasn’t very good). This virus of poor communication will eventually move through our society so thoroughly that even teachers will be talking like that. As we lose our ability to communicate, we will have no need to think critically and having lost that, we lose our one ability that keeps the gorillas and monkeys in their place. Imagine:
A meeting of world leaders, all trying to communicate with pointing and grunting and, and every time a good point is made, a resounding chorus of "LOL!!" arises from the crowd.
That my dear friends, is no way to live.
We must put an end to this madness, starting with ourselves, and moving throughout our friends and family. The earliest version of the proposed solution involved nudity, axle grease and a shotgun. But it has been toned down to only involve those who agree with me wearing a black headband and carrying a large wooden club. For those of you who don’t want to go that far, I say you are a little girl, and maybe you should move to France. Anyways, help stop the progression of anarchy, and buy the shirts and bumper stickers.
Currently Reading
List Your Self For Kids : Listmaking as Fun Way to Get to Know Yourself
By IIene Seglove
see related
. After deciding to not take crap anymore, I feel better inside. No telling how this will play out in the two areas of my life that need it. i.e. boss at work/friend who needs to know his place. Time shall tell.
Anyways, onto something i feel is important enough to address.
Also, I just need a new post. My last one was not up to par.
Lets start with some background:
I take a class called History of the Vietnam War. This is my class where the teacher gives us some handouts, and then spends 45 minutes reading to us, as opposed to giving us 6 minutes to read it to ourselves. Not only that, but I have to keep up with the class, cause otherwise when he says "Nate, what did I just say?" I can give a decent answer and not get berated for saying something like "No one cares" under my breath, like I did a week ago.
So, onward to the top ten things that I could be doing instead of listening to him read.
10) Learn to shave with a straight razor---cause that would rock period. no questions asked.
9) Hack into the FBI and download a bunch of top secret pictures and use them as a screen saver for my computer---hey, everyone like the FBI
7) Learn to count. ---Hey Erik, at least I can read.
6) Invent a ToFone, the Toaster Cell Phone.---cause who knows when you're gonna get hungry in class and have a cold bagel and not want to eat it and go hungry and eventually pick up intravenous drug use....who knows? I sure don’t.
5) Read Michelle’s xanga--- delicious
4) Build a house out of something fun, like computer monitors. ---well, do you have any better ideas?
3) Cover my body in perfumed oils and interpretive dance to 80’s trance music---somebody told me that everyone would like me If I did that.
2) Study for government.--- hahaha! That’s funny cause …studying
and the number one thing to do instead of go to Vietnam class?
1) Kidnap a baby rabbit and threaten to eat him if people don’t donate 50 thousand dollars to your site by a certain date.
I'f you're not sure if you're a moron or not, it would be safe not to post comments on my site. (see previous post comments)
In other news, Fat Joe (the rapper, who you will know from the song "Lean Back") is a pussy.
He issued an ultimatum saying that if people didnt buy his new cd, then he's gonna quit the whole rap thing for good.
It sounds to me like someone didn't get enough attention growing up and now wants to take it out on the rest of the world by depriving them of his talent.
The absurdity of this makes me want to stop listening to rap altogether, and although that wont happen, I would like to see Fat Joe jump off a bridge when he sells a totall of 4 albums.
So, if you were planning on buying the CD. Don't. If you must have it, then steal it online.
People are so lame.
In other news, I hate pop culture.
I figured this out a couple days ago when I ran into some guys doing the whole 'cool' thing. i.e. wearing those freaking huge stupid Gucci glasses...indoors, with the collar popped on their stupid aeropostal or american eagal shirt, while listening to their ipods and talking about how emo bands have re-invented music.
What can you even say to somthing like that? (not that i could anyways, becuase I had to make more sandwiches)
ughh. everyone is a tool.
This is the part where the rational side of me kicks in and says "Hey n8, don't judge people like that, maybe its just their flavor and maybe they really like emo music."
After pondering this for a while, I decide to reply "Hey self, shut the hell up. Hating their flavor is my flavor so don't even play like you know."
Besides, I invented the oven, so all you haters can eat me.
This just in, another really stupid person
This is a complete quote, nothing has been edited, changed or left out.
"sexist is a stereotype y cant girls do the same as guys??? we r just as strong. and y cant guys be as elegant as gurl and not be considered gay???
we r all people wether we have an extra part or not.
i wanted to do boxing my parents told me no cause im a girl!
~ punkedfreak2005
no guy is worth your tears and the one who is wont make u cry
*~*GOTHS RULE ALL~ *~*~VAMPIRES ARE REAL!AHHHHHH!*~*~*~*"
I would like to say somthing about this, but there really arent any words for it. Once again, I'd like to thank AOL for ruining my life as they listed this article on their front page. I know I didn't have to click on it, but the quote was so FREAKING DUMB that I really wanted to know whether or not this person is as stupid as they seem. And they are.
As I scroll up and look at this quote, I'm baffled by the ineptitude of the writer. Maybe it's because they are six and illiterate, but the 2005 in their screen name suggests that they are the same age as me.
So, If you are as upset at this quote as I am, just because of the pure unfiltered lunacy of it, feel free to drop her a line at punkedfreak2005@aol.com.
Im going to start handing out tickets to people for being stupid.
I’M back. Without much of a vengeance.
So I went on a road trip. It was fun. I don’t have any pictures so you don’t really have to believe me if you don’t want too.
So I got this new idea at work today. Well, not really new, just refreshed.
It happened as I realized that everyone is stupid. Except for me. EVERYONE.
People come into my work and ask certain things that make me want to take my life, such as:
1) How much does [item] cost?
To which I would like to respond:
Hey moron, look at the effing menu. We only have six items, you illiterate glue sniffing idiot.
2) Can I get a sandwich?
(fyi: I work at subway)
To which I would like to respond:
No. go to hell.
3) I thought I told you it was a six inch?
To which I would like to respond:
I know what you told me you stupid orphan. Now give me 4 seconds to cut the bread in half before I cut your throat with the bread knife..
4) Can I get extra [item]?
To which I would like to respond:
No. go to hell
5) Where is [sandwich]?
To which I would like to respond:
On the menu you friggin brain cripple. My job is not to read to you.
6) Can I get [item that doesn’t exist]?
To which I would like to respond:
I KILL YOU WITH BEAR HAND!!!
7) Where is the bathroom?
To which I would like to respond:
Well, lets see. We have one hallway. Its not a big restaurant and if you move your fat ugly head 90 degrees to the right, you might see it you freaking waste of life.
And my personal favorite…
Where does the line start?
(There are large hanging signs that say “start here” as well as several other small hints, like the bread, the fact that the employee is waiting on the correct side, as well as the line traveling in that direction.)
The only real way to answer this question is by jumping over the counter, and grabbing the person by the head and repeatedly slamming it into various objects before screaming at them that they need to learn English. Then, because you’re just that frustrated, you break their neck and leave them bleeding on the floor, while their family looks on horrified.
As you may have guessed, I haven’t actually followed through on any of these ideas. But that’s because Tony my manager would probably cut my hours if I killed a customer.
Rereading this post makes me feel like I could never run for any public office, because someone would dig up this site and say “YEA HES A PSIKO [sic] LOL!!!!!1! And then I would have to kill them for being a moron.
Until next time.
Just don’t do anything stupid
Dear AOL,
It's over. We're through.
I'd like to say that I've met someone. But the truth is that I've met a lot of people. Frankly, everyone I meet is better then you. I mean, cable, DSL, Netscape, MSN, and even the mo'effin free ISPs like Juno and NETzero.
I can handle a lot of crap. I dont get pissed off really easily, but just being around you makes me want to punch a baby in the face. It's like that.
I would kill myself if my adrenaline didn't start coarsing so powerfully through my veigns that I stop being able to move my limbs.
Do you remeber the time when I said I liked you?
Well, I sure dont remember that, and Im pretty sure thats because i hate you with a passion usually reserved for small children and cats.
As soon as you started to pretend to be easy to use and an All-in-One internet provider, I knew I couldnt trust you. You're like a virus, trying to control all of my mail, my contacts, and my passwords. I tried to access somthing offline the otherday, but couldn't, because all my files are stored on an AOL computer.
I hope you die. you and your stupid welcome messages "Howzit Ethan280z?", "Halla Ethan280z" and "Yo Yo Yo Ethan280z". Well AOL, you aren't from the streets, and you certainly arent my friend. So keep your goddamn pop culture greetings to yourself.
If I had some sort of cyberknife, I would stab you in the neck and watch you die with a smile. Speaking of stabbing things that I hate, what the hell is the deal with the "featured content"? Is it an underground idiot contest brought to you by the creators of AOL? Because that would raise them up a few notches in my book, putting them somewhere near the Holocaust and Satan. Even so, and I highly doubt that any staff member of AOL has a sense of humor, you and those idiots you put on the "AOL Frontpage" make me want to papercut my eyes to avoid the idiot content.
I F#&KING HATE AOL.
I F#&KING HATE ITS PARENTAL CONTROLS AND EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT IT.
The wannabe trendy, controlling features have made me almost mad with rage after disallowing me from accessing my real mail account at Yahoo(which has never done me wrong, and which almost soothes the rage I have against AOL). The If-I-Cant-Have-It-Then-No-One-Can attitude is unbelelievly sickening and I can hardly voice my opinion without screaming or beating the monitor to death.
Hey Steve Case. You're a douche. I hope you die.
I'm so angry, I can hardly speak.
Hey George A. Romero. You suck.
So, I and some friends go see Land of the Dead a couple days ago. We expect a zombie move with occasional cheap thrills, and one that ends after the humans have either been a) killed and eaten by the zombies, or b) after the humans kill all of them. However we were severely disappointed.
Instead of being wowed by the amount of shovels that were put into zombies heads, we were forced to watch horrible zombies run around moaning at stupid crap and altogether pissing me off.
I’ll start off by saying this. I walked out and got my money back. I have never walked out of a movie before, but this one was just such a travesty, that I couldn’t help but leave before the whole genre was disgraced by Mr. Romero.
In the beginning of the movie, we see people tearing up abandoned villages and raiding them for supplies. They do this in the dark, the reason being, the zombies cant take their eyes off the fireworks that are shot into the sky. These “sky flowers” all but immobilize the zombies, and keep the humans safe.
I think that somewhere in the production of this movie, someone may have said, “well, can we just act the same way toward the viewers of this movie? I mean, by shooting fireworks or having lots of special effects and makeup and just hope that they don’t pay attention to the plot?” And everyone liked this idea, and that’s where they went off track.
I asked someone else about this, someone who said that they liked this movie, and it was probably the best zombie movie yet. Their response to this was that “That’s not possible; the plot was the most important part!!”
Well, this just in, but that person is an idiot.
The whole point of this story is that the zombies are being repressed by the somewhat elite humans, and that the zombies should just be left alone and everything would be alright.
NEWS FREAKING FLASH
Zombies are not people too. Zombies are good for two things: Killing with shotguns, and Killing with blunt objects. NOTHING ELSE.
Mr. Romero, you are dumb.
I guess he forgot that hiding some social commentary inside a movie doesn’t make it good. I mean, I can write a story with a moral and it doesn’t make it any better. Hell, I already did, and for those of you, who didn’t catch it, it wasn’t serious, it was more of a mockery of modern short stories. (See time magazine)
Anyways, not only was the movie bad, but the dialogue was fairly horrible as well. I quote
Riley - “Everybody has a story; I don’t want to hear anymore stories!!”
Sex Girl - “What’s your story”
Riley - “I don’t have a story.”
SHUT UP.
That was enough dialogue to last through the whole movie, BUT THERE WAS ENTIRELY TOO LITTLE ZOMBIE KILLING.
For those of you who saw this movie, think it rocks, and believe that Romero re-invented the zombie movie… your head has nothing in it.
I hate everyone who thinks that they are badass enough to take a dump on something classic, and claim that they created something that isn’t crap.
I dont care what y'all haters been sayin. I'm back....with a sufficient topic.
I HATE KIDS
Here's why i hate kids. Because kids can do cute little things like draw on the walls, or spit at strangers and they get away with it, because they're kids. When I spit at strangers, I get put into my place, especially when it was that huge black UCLA player. Let me tell you, Bad News.
Heres another reason I hate kids. Because kids can write little poems or draw cute pictures, and lo and behold, they get put into the sunday paper. Away go the delightful recepies that I think we all have grown to know and love, and in come these 6 line poems about trees and dragons and playgrounds, that make me want to ease the pain with a two cinderblocks. (All the poems were transcribed with the utmost care and attention to detail, and not altered in any way)
Let me give you an example.
This poem is by Sam Mosely
"Haiku"
Checkmate, check, pinned, win.
Playing chess out in the park.
Capture the black queen
No Sam. Bad Job. Go to your room because no one loves you. Thats not artistic, and no matter how much your teacher encourages this bad behavior, just know that your parents dont like your poem, and they wish you would stop bothering them. Besides Sam, its the king you want. NOT THE QUEEN. It wouldn't have even changed the poem at all, yet you didn't, just to piss me off. One more thing Sam. You should have a super original title for this poem, for example, "Chess" or "Park Chess". Don't ever let me see your name in the paper again.
Here's another by Grant Uphaus
"The Masked Caper"
Once upon a time, I made a ryhme.
It was bad so I gave it to my dad
He ate the paper, and turned into the Masked Caper
It was very sad, because I lost my dad
My dad is the Masked Caper because he ate the paper.
Well Grant, I think the only thing you did right was admitting that you're rhyme wasnt very good. In fact, I'd say it was damn near unforgivably bad. And what makes you think that your dad wants your piss poor writing any more then you do?!
You know what Grant?
You made your dad so angry with your poem that he left, and I'd say that he is probably never coming back. I hope you feel good about what you've done. I mean, besides tearing your family apart and basically putting yourself up for adoption.
One more poem, Just to prove a point.
"A Friend"
I step in a puddle, look down and find a friend
A friend
I look on the brightside, he's not an
Unknown blend, he's a friend
I am so excited, I want to meet this friend, this friend
I am so angry, he's just a reflection, not a friend.
-Austin Allen
Hey Austin, now do you know why your parents dont let you go outside or talk to anyone? Cause they dont like you, and I would say that you probably havent helped that by writing this poem, having it printed in the newspaper, and PUTTING YOUR LAST NAME ON IT! You've discraced your entire family, and anyone who shares your last name.
You don't have any friends Austin, and you probably never will.
Childrens Christmas Pageants: more fun then sodomizing yourself.
So, once again, as christmas roles around, I am forced to journey to church to watch the childrens annual depiction of the birth of Christ. Now, dont take this the wrong way, I'm all for christmas, its just the holiday spirit that comes with it that I dislike.
For example. The whole "show", if you will, was filled with not so witty remarks from children that envoked a laugh from the entire crowd. Statements like "Totally!" and "I'm confused!" were commonplace, and apparently hilarous. I'm not sure who wrote that actuall rendition of the chirstmas story, but I do not enjoy them. They must have forgotten the 9th rule of comedy.
"...however much you would be tempted to put a child in as a comedic role, do not do so unless the child is crying." (Rogers and Hammerstein, 151)
Also, NO CHILDREN SINGING. I am opposed to this in all ways possible. Be it We sing sing-alongs, or We sing happy songs or any other "we sing" that involves childrens voices and music, I DONT LIKE IT. UGH!! ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY GET TO SOLO. NOT ALLOWED!!
:::Side note::: It's a fun game to look at the ground when the children are taking turns singing, and try to guess which gender the singer is. I myself went 2 for 4 :::End Side Note:::
And one more thing....
If you are going to go to the Childrens Musical at church, then walk out smiling and feeling at peace with mankind, you BETTER FREAKIN NOT CUT ME OFF IN THE PARKING LOT YOU JERK.
It's christmas eve, and im NOT BITTER
Hostel: Single-handedly reforming America
Now, first off, I 'd like to say that I can handle my fair share of gratuitous violence and other disturbing images. I'd say more so then most people.
Going into this movie with Mr Kyle Andrew Wade, I was looking foward to a dramatic thriller with suspense and twist that Saw and Saw II had. Both of these fairly disturbing movies pale in comparison to the attrocity that is Hostel. I would say that both Saws seem more like saturday morning cartoons then actual scary movies.
I honestly dont understand what the point of this movie was. I sincerely hope that this was some sort of social commentary, stating how far we as a culture had fallen if a movie like this could permeate our movie theaters and recieve a decent amout of money opening weekend.
This is what the back of the DVD will say when Hostel is unfortunately released to the public....
"Hostel" is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). It pushes the category to the limit with nonstop profanity, bigotry, drug use, nudity and a great deal of extremely graphic torture, dismemberment and murder"
Extremely graphic torture?
Eli Roth must have some extremely adolecent sadistic urges that only come out when they have to scar audiences everywhere.
On top of the horrific scenes and the awful images that are now forever imbued into my mind, oh, and the porn, lots and lots of it.... IS THAT IT WASN'T A GOOD MOVIE.
The characters were awful, the two heroes were douche bags, and the action plays straight out. No twists, no suprises. after the first 45 minutes go by, you can pretty much predict the rest of the movie. I mean, I did, cause I was staring at my lap for the last halk of it, listening to screams and power tools.
Ugh. Dont see this movie.
If you do see this movie, Im taking a drill to your knees.
actually, you know what? this movie was such a horrible thing for me, that i think im gonna clean up my life, start going to church again and quit the cocaine...
Knock Knock Jokes: The Red-Headed Stepchild of Comedy.
So the other day, I was thinking about the last time I had used a Knock Knock joke( from here on out, refered to as a KKJ ), and it struck me that it had to have been sixth or seventh grade. And i might add, that at this point in my life, I was NOT cool. AFter refering back to all the KKJs that I know, it struck me that not only were KKJs lame, but they were UBER LAME.
Now, normally, things that have the word "joke" in them are actually pretty much good times... i.e. Helen Keller Jokes, Dead Baby Jokes etc. This being the case, I had to know for certain if KKJs were actaully as lame as I was making them out to be. So.....fortunately, I have in my possession, Doctor Knock-Knock's Official Knock- Knock Dictionary. So I made it my goal to read through it, and now looking back on it, wish that i had not. I wish that I had done somthing a little less destructive to my brain with my time, like put it into a wood chipper.
Upon reading some of these ABSOLUTLEY AWFUL KKJs contained within this book ( which was obviously meant for someone like Carrot Top ) I have seen that the best KKJ, and the only one that I knew beforehand goes somthing like this....
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Orange you glad i didnt say bannana again?
before you get all riled up about the straight up BUTCHERY of this 3rd grade classic KKJ, I'd jsut like to say that this is how I remembered it, and its my website, so I can do whatever I want.
Before I reveal, for your enjoyment and astonishment, some KKJs from Doctor Knock-Knock's Official Knock- Knock Dictionary (which will henceforth be refered to as CTFB(which is obviously short for Carrot Top's favorite book)), I would like to break a KKJ down for you...to disect it, in a way, to see where the comedy is supposed to be coming from.
Knock Knock! (This is the word that we americans use to symbolize a rapping on wood, primarily, with regard to someone being at the door)
Who's there? (A contraction for "who is there". We assume there is a person within the inclosure that the aforementioned door provides inquiring into who is outside.)
*Sidenote* The following knock knock joke was takin from page 20 of Doctor Knock-Knock's Official Knock- Knock Dictionary. The author of this website does not condone said knock knock joke *End Sidenote*
Cigarette. (A tobacco product that should be used by only those who are eighteen and older. The Surgeon General does not condone the use of this KKJ either. Apparently, within the context of this joke, a cigarette is at the door.)
Cigarette who? (The aforementioned person within the aforementioned enclosure takes the thought of a cigarette being at his door very seriously, and chooses to ask for a last name or some other identifying agent.)
Cigarette life if you don't weaken. (The punchline. Now, If I were the aforementioned person within the aforementioned enclosure, I would now grab a gun/shovel/crowbar, and see if this intruder with poor taste in punchlines wanted to actually make me laugh, or if they were just intent on making me want to kill myself just to rid myelf of the punchline of a joke from someone with the comedic sense of a microsoft word spell checker.)
As you can see, NOT FUNNY.
IF that isnt enough to convince you, I'll copy some prime examples from CTFB into this post.
Until next time, goodnight.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cello
Cello who?
Cello Dear.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Anthem
Anthem who?
You Anthem devil you!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Anna
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Louisiana
Louisiana who?
Louisiana boy friend broke up
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Punch
Punch who?
Not me, I just got here!
(p.s. If you tell the above joke in public, everyone will hit you.)
Currently Reading
Top Ten of Everything 2006 (Top 10 of Everything)
By Russell Ash
see related
I'm much nicer then I used to be, however, I still feel the need to make a list every once in a while. So I give you now (still trying to think of a topic.....)
THE TOP TEN WORST WAYS TO DIE
10) Accidentally die (oops!)
I feel like this would be pretty bad because no one would remember 10 years later. Like if you slipped and fell off a stepladder, or just got gangrene or santigola. An unfortunate accidental death, to be sure.
9) Get 'noised' to death.
Like for instance, you're in someone’s car with a huge stereo system, and he gets out to go drop off a key to his ex girlfriend because he just got kicked out of her apartment because she caught him in bed with a 400lb Russian woman, and so they're yelling at each other, and you're in the car by yourself. So you turn up the volume as high as it can go, just to check, and then you cant figure out how to turn it down or off, and you cant figure out how to get out of the car, so you just die. That’s some serious p0wnge.
8) Crushed to Death by aforementioned Russian woman.
you know, you're just hanging out with they guys, and you're playing some truth or dare, and one thing leads to another......
7) Grilled
...out nicely,(oh!) in my white tee. Or on south beach,(oh!) in my wife-b....
Or not, but I'm talking about a slow roast over a propane fire. Man, that would suck
.
6) The Rack.
A classic medieval torture technique. Priceless. and REALLY SUCKY. I mean, getting drawn and quartered? Bad times for the old internal organs, and I guess, everything else.
5) Insulted to death
This would be bad, because it would kind of end up being death from either starvation, or from having low spirits. I mean, can you imagine, being tied to a chair and having two british guys rotating shifts just telling you that you've got bad taste in furniture or something. That would be rough.
4) Decomposition
Just slowly falling apart.as you lead your life and there's nothing you can do about it. And everyone’s watching, and you're naked, and you're embarrassed, and you start to cry, but that just speeds up the process. Let me just say, bad times.
3) Raptor Mauling
On top of being horrifically painful, It's also almost 'I hope you brought a change of pants' scary.
2) Cheese Grated to death.
Until the other day, I would have said that this is number 1. When I say cheese grated to death, I mean, starting at the toes, going up the legs until the deed is done. MAD CRAZY PAINFUL and ridiculously insane and bad. super bad. nothing good about this.
finally, the number 1 worst way to die, ever:
1) Brokeback'd
I'm talking about locked in a room with 6 screens, one on every wall, and plus, they cut out your eyelids. No getting away from it, you're going to die very painfully. There is nothing in the world worse then this. I don’t think I need to describe the torture that would proceed the death. But it would be brutal
What the crap are you thinking? Part I:
…stories from work
So, in case you don’t know, I work at a place called Paddock Pools. I actually didn't know until last week, that it was in actuality, a Mecca for the cognitive misers of Scottsdale. (stupid people)
One of the newest incidents of absolute stupidity in the Pool Fun Dept. made me incredulous with almost morbid curiosity. How does someone’s head become so inundated with bong resin and nothingness?
However, I digress. Here’s what happened.
So, as I stand behind my counter in the pool shop, waiting for some customers to come and partake of my knowledge, and a well dressed, decent looking middle aged woman comes walking up to my “spot”, with “I have a question” written all over her face.
With this in mind, I ask if I can help her, knowing the answer to that question already.
She proceeds to annoy me with the question
“do you have any pool toys?”
Obviously we do. It comprises ½ of the entire back of the store.
So I point her in the right direction with a sigh, and resume my vigil.
Abruptly, the same woman approaches me with another question.
“Do you have any inflatable toys?”
Another sigh from me.
That’s all we have. Those and goggles.
So I walk her over to the three isles where we keep the inflatable toys, and gesture Vana White style towards the rows and rows of pool toys.
Note: I forgot to mention that this woman had a hyperactive Asian daughter who must have been about 4 or 5.
…like, this girl was crazy, She talked faster then a chipmunk that had taken a shot of pure adrenaline.
End Note
So anyways, the woman points to a inflatable seal with handles on it. She first consults her kid, to see if this is acceptable or not. After about 2 minutes of chatter, I discern that the little girl does indeed like the seal.
So the mom turns to me, and asks
Woman “Well, if I were to buy this, how would she play with it?”
Nate “ Ummm…well, I’d imagine that she would mount the seal and ride around on it…”
Nate internally: I think I’m going to kill you.
Woman “Oh! So it has jet propulsion?”
Nate “ What?!”
Nate Internally: Did you just say jet propulsion? The box is a little bigger then my hand and you ask about jet propulsion? Do you know anything?
Woman “You know, with the power drives and stuff”
Nate “I don’t think they put power drives on that model”
Nate Internally: Wait, are we talking about the same thing here?
Woman “Oh. Do you know if you have the ones with the power drives?”
Nate “ma’am, there is no such thing.”
Nate internally: *tears hair out and punches self in face*
Woman “But didn’t you used to sell them?
Nate “No.“
Nate internally: AGHHHH!!!
Woman “Why not?
Nate “Mostly because they don’t exist”
Woman “Oh”
-long pause-
Woman “How about this octopus?”
Nate “Yes….”
Nate internally: Oh, check it out. Not only do I have to do everything else around this store, but now my job includes reading your mind? Fabulous.
Note: The octopus is a large yellow floating thing; about nine or ten feet long, and the box shows several children playing on/around it.
End Note
Woman “How can children play with it if there is only one child?”
Nate “What?”
Nate internally: WTF!?
Woman “You know… what can one child do on this float?”
Nate “ I honestly don’t know anymore”
Nate internally: *jaw drops in amazement*
Woman “Well, is there someone who would know?”
Nate “Nope”
Nate internally: I hate you.
Woman “Well, think about it. How would you play with it?
Note: By this time, even professional, customer service x 1 jillion percent Nate has had enough.
End Note
Nate “I wouldn’t play with it. Do I look fruity to you?”
Woman “no, I didn’t mean it like that!”
Nate “I have real work to do. Have a nice day”
I don’t know what to think about people like that.
But it definitely makes me want to allow abortions into the 50th or 60th trimesters.
Well, thats all I have to offer you. I hope you enjoyed what you read.
I hope we're still friends..
I know there's probably a better way to do this, but I want to do it here and now.
So here you are. Enjoy my ramblings.
(note: I'll do this from earliest to latest, so that if you cared you would be able to get a good sense of my mental growth/evolution)
POST Breakfast cereals are so good. And good for you. They're delicious, nutritious, and make you ambitious! Yay Posting! I especially like Raisin Bran with two scoops of raisins. Greetings, everyone, I am Nate's current poster-in-residence. HAH. That is not really my name. Can you imagine someone named "Nate's current poster-in-residence"? I mean, come on, you'd have to have like three dads to have a last name with two hyphens. Actually, my name is Patrick Sauncy-residence, and I'm here to talk to you about posting. The term 'post' is derived through Middle- and Old English from the Latin term 'postis,' which of course came from 'postess,' meaning a female poster. Back then, posters and postesses courted and married, and subsequently produced post offspring. When ported to Middle English, this word transmutated from a term meaning 'infant poster or postis (postess)' to one meaning 'an erect, wooden structure used for the attachment of fences.' As time wore on, and Old English moved to the Middle, farmers began placing paper notices on their posts exhorting their cattle to remain in the confines of the weak wooden fences. This practice became known as 'posting,' and ignoring 'posts' became known as 'being a freakin' fat lazy cow.' When these farmers started to realize that their neighbors resembled the cows in their fields, they jokingly 'posted' messages to their fellow farmers on their fence posts. When their crops died during the Irish Potato Famine, these farmers migrated to large cities, in order to starve to death in comfort. Although they were able to forsake their humble roots, they could not give up the practice of marking off their territory, and brought their fences, posts and all, with them. On a side note, this is what started the abominable custom of walled subdivisions in cities such as Scottsdale. These urban farmers also continued to 'post' messages on their posts, and this custom was adopted by numerous institutions in the big cities. They began to use the much more accessible bulletin boards, and 'posting' spread throughout the world. With the advent of the internet, bulletin boards were electronically recreated, and made into newsgroups, fan clubs, and weblogs such as Xanga. As it has most things it touches, the internet has both benefitted and corrupted the age-old practice of the post. itz noww pramizzabel fer ppl 2 ad posts sch az dis wid cmpleet impyuniddy. That, my friends, is why I am now serving as poster-in-residence on N8olio's weblog. I will try my best to repair the once-noble posting culture, and educate the denizens of the internet as to proper posting protocol and etiquette, as well as offer tips on the techniques of the master posters. I'll probably screw around a bit too, and offer some insights regarding other things. I'd like to take this time to publicly thank N8olio for his generocity and hospitality in hosting me for the next few months. Farewell.
Emo: Genre of softcore punk music that integrates unenthusiastic melodramatic 17 year olds who dont smile, high pitched overwrought lyrics and inaudible guitar rifts with tight wool sweaters, tighter jeans, itchy scarfs (even in the summer), ripped chucks with favorite bands signature, black square rimmed glasses, and ebony greasy unwashed hair that is required to cover at least 3/5 ths of the face at an angle.
Ethan280z: if aol were a person
Ethan280z: i would hit hime with a brick
pegasus6 7 89: haha yeah.
pegasus6 7 89: but if the internet were a person, id totally make out with him. cuz i love the internet.
Ethan280z: yea
Ethan280z: id be his friend
Ethan280z: but aol would be like the high school nerdy loser guy who thinks hes cool, but gets hit with bricks casue hes just not
pegasus6 7 89: oh, i agree.
Ethan280z: and the internet would be the popular quarterback who is nice to everyone and gets straight a's
pegasus6 7 89: right.
pegasus6 7 89: and he'd always smell good
pegasus6 7 89: and have nice hair
Ethan280z: he would let aol hang out with him, cause hes just that cool
Ethan280z: but
Ethan280z: all f the internets other friends would hate him
pegasus6 7 89: yeah, and talk about aol behind his back.
Ethan280z: Cable and DSL would prolly push him into lockers of somthing
Ethan280z: Netscape and MSN wouldnt be that mean, cause they arent super cool, but they would still make up rumors about him, and talk about his mom
Currently Reading
Furby Trainer's Guide
By J. Douglas Arnold, Mark Elies, Douglas J. Arnold
see related
And now, specially for YOU, comes the wildly exciting...
TOP TEN BEST THINGS TO DO WITH A FURBY
10) Tie it to a chair, put it in front of the TV and put the movie Gigli on repeat.
9) Heat up a soldering iron and try to put it all the way through the furby. Make it a game. Try and do it in three shots or less
8) Shave the furby. Then buy a voodoo doll, tie the fuby hair around the neck of the doll (more hair, more fun), then proceed to poke the doll with needles until the furby cries....or stomp on it
7) Take the Furby to the airport and put him through the x-ray machine with a label on him that says "NOT A BOMB". The airport gustapo will know what to do.
[editors note: It's best not to watch this procedure as it may cause mental breakdowns later in life]
6) Teach the Furby to say "Vote Bush", and "Bush saved America", then send it via airmail to Berkeley.
5) Use a trebuchet to launch the furby into a wall.
4) Cover the furby in napalm, light it on fire and then use a trebuchet to launch the furby into a wall.
3) Start an 18 year old T-ball league, and use the furby as a ball then cover the furby in napalm, light it on fire and then use a trebuchet to launch the furby into a wall.
2) Drown the furby and then start an 18 year old T-ball league, and use the furby as a ball then cover the furby in napalm, light it on fire and then use a trebuchet to launch it into a wall.
And the #1 thing to do with a furby...
1) Get the furby addicted to crystal meth, causing it to go into depression, lose weight, and start picking at its skin. After a while, bring it back to health and then plunge it into the same crystal meth addiction that it had before then you can drown the furby and then start an 18 year old T-ball league, and use the furby as a ball then cover the furby in napalm, light it on fire and then use a trebuchet to launch it into a wall.
Currently Playing
Greenpeace: Rainbow Warriors
By Various Artists
What the freak? a CD about saving the atmosphere?!?
see related
Dear Readers.
The following section has been deemed innapropriate for the following minorities:
Hippies, Old people, Visgoths, Communists, The French, Women, Young People, People that are offended by nudity, People with epilepsy, Cancer Victims, Cancer Survivors, Thesbians, Anyone who has ever been invloved with the law, Boys under the age of 11, Patrick Sauncy, and White people.
Now that i have built this up, i have to think of somthing better to write about. Got it: Heres a story of why hippies suck. Many of you have heard of the organization called greenpeace. Devoted to saving the atmosphere, rainforest and small puppies. An organization so lame that it makes me want to get a can of pure CFCs and spray it into the air out of spite, and smoke an entire pack of unfiltered cigarettes. This group called greenpeace, which will be henceforth refered to as 'Girly Men', or GM for short, had a small fishing trawler, called "the rainbow warrior"(much like UofH). This boat got the crap kicked out of it by FREAKING france. The boat was originally brought up to protest the testing of nuclear arms in the ocean, which is an awesome idea, due to the fact that the whales were massing an attack on europe. So anways, the boat gets blown up by france, but 'no one knows who did it'. If GM wasnt such an organization of small girls, they would raid france and burn down the Eiffel tower. but thats never gonna happen, so dont get your hopes up. Anyways, thats the story for y'all today.
Tune in next time to see who would win in a battle of Texas vs Samurai
Oh, insert graphic innapropriate material right........here.
Sometimes i hear people talk about why we are in Iraq. People will then bring up how we are there for oil, and not just for the Iraqi people. I never really understood the validity of this argument to show how we shouldnt be in Iraq, i mean, i hope we are there for oil.... I heard it put this way before, "It's kinda hard to run your car on Middle East democracy". Anyone who argues with us getting cheaper oil for being in Iraq, is dumb. I'll explain why.
1) money is hard to get
2) Oil costs a lot of money
3) this mean, that Oil is hard to get.
4) cheaper oil means less money spent, which also means less time spent at work working for money, (or just more money in the bank, whichever)
5) This either means you have more time to do things that you like, or more money to do things that you like.
6) that means more fun
7) So the war in Iraq, in addition to providing democracy for the people there, (the elections went fabulously by the way) is providing FUN for the consumer. i.e. you and me.0
Im not opposed to a little extra fun....
People who dont like the war in Iraq, dont like fun, and are communists.
Soap Operas Suck
For the first time in my life, I sat down and I watched an entire episode of a soap opera sitcom thing. Well, not the whole episode, in fact, I left after about 15 minutes to do somthing more productive, like hit myself in the temple with a ball pean hammer.I think the show was like Passions or some crap like that. At least the title couldn't be ANY MORE WRONG. There was nothing passionate about the load of putrid grabage that slowly slid into my brain, rendering me unable to leave or look away. I was able to finally turn it off when it hit the comercial break. It wasnt like being 'glued to your seat', it was like being paralyzed because you were bitten by a poisonus snake. The only suitable explanation is that this show is like mental quicksand. BUT, because I am a unbiased and fair individual, I'll do like the pros, and rate this television show on several different aspects: (explained below)
Entertainment: 2
Acting: 0
Originality: 1
Number-of-times-you-would-have-to-hit-yourself-with-a-hammer-to-equal-one-veiwing-of-Passions: 7-8
This show was not entertaining in the least, but it still got a two because it had bright colors, and interesting dialouge. No, wait, that was the Sears commercial, my bad.
If I was in charge of casting the roles for Passions, I would have myself taken outside, and hit with a bat until I couldnt move. Not to say the actors were bad or anything, but I think Anna Nichole Smith and Vin Deisel could have done a better job....
No. No No and No on originality. Wait, so he cheated on you with your sister before you gave birth to a child, while the father of the baby is dating his ex-wife? Nobody gives a crap, and nobody likes you. Think of somthing that hasn't been the subject of multiple O.C. episodes, and while your at it, grow some balls because nobody likes your burntout sensitive hippy bullcrap.
Im not exactly sure of the the exact number of times, but it seems to depend on how hard you swung the hammer. For all my Passions viewers out there, i propose a challenge to you. Make a game out of hitting yourself in the temple while watching the show. It'll be the most rewarding thing you have probably ever done.
Tune in next time to for "Reality TV sucks"
Problems with the world:
Reality TV.
Come on. Survivor is one thing, but al this new st*ff (hinting at it being a swear word) like Surreal life, and Whos Your Daddy? (sidenote: I havent seen either of these shows, so I suppose my opinion is invalid, however I maintain that I know everything) Really though, any show that makes Paris Hilton( or anyone equally talented) a star should enver be watched, or maybe they should even have their studio burned to the ground. Not a bad idea if you ask me. I suppose that you cant blame the studio though. I mean, all these scottsdale girls with their daddy's BMWs and Mercedes dont have jobs, so they have nothing better to do then watch somthing as abismal as Desperate Housewives. There should be some sort of screening device that can disallow shows that have no purpose or that just suck. I mean, Jackass doesnt really have a purpose, but it makes me laugh, so it stays.I should be elected king of the world so I could get rid of all the hippy garbage on television.
So now as promised (ignoring the school posting below) Nate Palmer, famed architect and world politic advisor brings you the following...
WHY WAR IS GOOD AND HIPPIES ARE BAD
I have often seen people on the side of the road protesting. I fully support protesting, don't get me wrong. It helped workers out in the early 1900's and continues to evoke change throughout the country. Here's why im posting. I saw a bunch of people on the news protesting the war in Iraq, with signs saying "war is bad" and "Leave Iraq alone!" Since I love lists, I'll start with one of those, entitled "Why you shouldn't be protesting"
1) Because nothing will change, because no one likes you.
2) Ignoring the obvious changes for the better in Iraq, and yummy oil., I can totally justify their point of view, oh wait, nope, thats still my point of view,
3) Stop wasting your time hanging out with hippies and go do somthing productive, like post on a xanga site.
4) stop wasting my time that is spent bitching about you.
There you have it. Four excellant reasons
Also, let me just reiterate one of the signs. "War is bad". There. A message so simple, and yet filled with such heinous lies that i wouldnt let my sister hear somthing like that. Lets think back, deep into the history of my favorite country: America.
We had a war once, or more then once, but one distinctly come to mind. the American REVO-freaking-LUTION. Yea, that war was pretty much the worst thing that happend to America you stupid cracked out hippies. That was a war, and it only bought us our freedom from out despotic english kings with bad teeth, which as far as im concerned, is way better then anything any hippie has EVER done for the world.
Also, there was another war, called by many "World War Two". I never saw fightning facism and Nazis as being a bad thing, and probably never will. So, not only do these protesting jerks hate freedom, but they also really like brits and Nazis both of whom I dont really like (unless their name is Sophie or Chi, and they are british, becasue they are fun, and they have accents which make me happy). So as we can see by my completely valid and WELL thought out arguments above(which although far from being good arguments, are far better then any hippie crap) war is good, because it solves problems, like those pesky Nazis and terrorists running around. Plus if we didnt have war, we wouldnt have Blue Angels or Thunderbirds, and patrick sauncy would have to pay to go to college.
Plus, hippies wear tie-dye, and most people will say that went out with the 80's, but the truth is that it was never 'in' .
Final thought: If people are going to piss me off and protest war, then they might as well do it:
while holding signs that say "War is bad exept for the American Revolution, World war two, World war one, and the War of 1812"
or
they might as well protest naked, becuase that would make me laugh, and plus they have a better chance of getting beat up by some hick with a shovel.
Well, I'll start off this post with a bit of honesty....well, honesty with a flare.
I'm at home, by myself, not really wanting to be home, but here nontheless....smoking phatty blunts.
I'm here today to talk to you, my mature audience, about the importance of not being a vampire. There are a couple reasons for that. One is that vampires suck. Tight leather, underground raves, and orgies to boost mystical powers totally went out with 1997. I guess vampires just didnt get the memo. But that will happen when you sleep all day and just go out at night to suck peoples blood. It doesn't leave much room for checking email or checking for faxes, which is the coolest way to get a memo, as everyone knows.
Another reason that vampires suck, is becuase of a couple movies with a man named Blade in them. I mean sure, you've got buffy, and all those other teen hearthrobs going around killing 'vampires', which im sure are just actors, (which is another word for people that aren't really what they say they are), but Blade stands out among the vampire killing croud. Im sure you can think of more, but ill lay out a few reasons for that right now. Number 1 . He's huge. Number 2. forget your stupid wooden stake, and leave the garlic at home. Blade uses a sword and and about an entire mol(chemistry anyone?) of manliness to vanquish his evildoing foes. Cant go wrong with that. Number 3. The name Blade is really cool. Some people tell me that they have grown up and gotten past the point where they think names like 'Blade' 'Spike' and 'The Edge' are cool. But as far as i'm concerned, Ill never be that grown up, so eff them, I wish my name was blade, and you should wish yours was too.
Anyways....
Vampires also suck because of the 'new generation' of vampires. This does not involve the hardcore 'magic power orgy' vampires, but the 13 year old girls and boys who carve symbols into their arms, dress in black, wear fake pointed teeth, and do things like the "Oija Board". Not cool. I mean, some people need to get out of dungeons and dragons for a while and realize that not only they arent gonna get hired when they apply for a job, but also that someone might be tempted(as many of us are) to stab them in the heart with s a garlic-emersed-silver-plated-wooden cross, just to see if they melt or somthing. I mean, i get that desire all the time. Seriously, the next time Im going to watch a movie at a theater, and while im walking to get my ticket, some pre-adolecent brat decides to hiss at me, they'll find themselves with a mouth full of steel toed boot, if they're lucky. If they're unlucky, I'll have a can of mase and a cattle prod(which i dont believe affect real vampires).
Also, one final thought on why vampires blow. Sucky movies. Let me just name one cause im tired. Queen of the Damned. Summary: A vampire is raised from the dead after hearing some really sucky music that he thinks is 'his style'. Then some stuff happens and the movie still sucks. Assessment: don't see this movie. No one will like you if you do.
So until next time,
Stay away from vampires and all of their evil wrongdoings, and have a fabolous day.
N8
Breaking my longstanding rule of no-5-comments-no-new-post, I would like to take this time and dedicate it to my fallen homies.
Anyways, onto business as usual.
PROM + SLEEPOVER = HOSTAGE SITUATION?
As many of you know, last Saturday night was Xavier College Prep's Prom. I was invited to go as i had beaten Foley/Erik for the spot of going with a girl named Kayte. So, we go meet at her house, take pictures, go to Phoenix civic plaza, take more pictures, stand around, be involved in the taking of pictures, and eventually make it in to dinner, which was served at prom, during which, many pictures were taken. Anyhow, I can’t complain, because the food is all right, and we are talking and having a nice time. They have the Groove Merchants playing in the background, and they are setting the stage for a good night. Anyhow, when dinner is finished, and the Groove Merchants are supposed to leave and then let the DJ put on some gangsta rap, they must forget their cue, because they play for the rest of the night. Some people say that I’m stupid for complaining about live music, but I say screw them, Ill complain if I want to.
So I don’t get my fix of rap musica. Which isn’t necessarily a horrible thing, but I was still a bit disappointed.
So, afterwards, we head back to Kayte’s house blah blah blah blah blah. Once we get to Liz’s house, where the sleepover is taking place, we blah blah blah blahblah. So, it’s three in the morning, and I want to go to sleep. Then Apryl tells me, “You can’t go to sleep, you’ll get kicked out!”
….WTF
I think she’s joking, but it turns out, she’s not. The dad had issued an order a few days prior to this ‘sleepover’ that the boys were not allowed to go to sleep. WAIT. Before you ask, “What the hell is he thinking?” consider these words.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
So go ahead and ask. I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA, but I do know that he would get up every hour or so to police the house and make sure no guys were asleep. Now, there was no reason for this, other then him being an overprotective and none too bright douche bag. Think about it. If your daughter were in the house with a couple guys who are sleeping over, would you like to have the guys awake and bored or asleep?
So, let that be a lesson to all you potentially stupid people out there. DON’T DO STUPID THINGS.
P.S. I’m going to start carrying a gun, just in case something like this ever happens again, I can be destructive in the proper manner.
P.S.S. No one look at Sam’s Site.
Love
Nate
So, as many of my favorite xanga readers may be aware, I work at a place called subway. where even YOU can eat fresh. As I tire of lists, i shall embark on a new frontier of communication: The STORY
Setup: I'm standing behind the counter with my tiny plastic gloves on, waiting to help the next person in line, because im a good person. Yes, its true. I shoot for employee of the month every day. Aiming for the bullseye is the only way to live. But Rod Humenik could have told you that...
Anyways, a lady, her husband, and her 2 children walk in. Now, I love children....not really...but i dont mind children, so long as the behave. Which becomes a problem.
From the moment the couple set foot in the door of the resteraunt, it was clear that not only was the missus wearing the pants in the relationship, but the man clearly did not give a DAMN what anyone else in the family did. This is also a problem. I need a note on the door:
NOTICE TO PARENTS: KEEP YOUR CHILDREN/SPOUSES UNDER CONTROL, OR THEY WILL BE EXECUTED.
Some people would say that's bad business, but then again, some people also say that the Irish built the great wall of china.
But i diverge
Anyhow, the lady walks up to the counter, and drowns out my o so friendly greeting, by demanding to know what the special that day was. (roasted chicken breast). I tell her, because im just that great. She then points to a sheet of coupons that look like she just pulled out of the trash, and inquires if we take them.....I say yes, but she wants me to take all of them. I dont want to take all of them, becuase thats against the rules
Meanwhile, her kids are climbing all over the counter, running around and causing havoc. I quote "I can smell my way to the chips, and now I can smell my way back!!!11!!" I grimace at the mess i know that ill get to clean up later.
So the lady starts to complain that I should take her coupons, and that if i dont she'll call my manager. Mid whine, she switches techniques, and starts trying to coerce me into taking them because i look like a "good boy" that "would do nice things for people".
Since the rest of the story involves me bending over and taking it "in the tailpipe", so to speak, and taking her crap for 20 minutes, I'll relate the story as it should have played out. I should have taken control of the situation long before i got irritated, however, i like having a job.
So, the better version would go somthing like this:
As soon as she starts to whine about coupons, I should have jumped over the counter, and hit her in the knees with a bat. Just as a friendly "hey dont go there" kind of gesture. As her husband gets up to mildly protest, I pimp slap him and tell him to take that womanly crap somewhere else, before throwing him out of the store. The children start to cry, and immediatly follow their fathers path outside. The woman at the counter, in shock over being assaulted with a bat starts to scream. She in turn gets slapped, this time with the chicken breast sandwich that she so desired, and then sent out of the restauant with a firm repremand.
And thats how it should have been.
Love always,
Nate
P.S. I appologise for the violence toward small children and women in this post. I toned it down a bit: i.e. replaced "pistol whipped her in the face with my glock" for a gentle knee tap.
P.S.S. Still at war with sam. Nobody look at his site, or at him,...
Update on Not your xanga site.
Me and Sam are still at war. So don’t visit his site. That’s bad news. However, you can visit Kyle's site, which rocks
Anyways, onto my proposed solution to old people, entitled:
WHY OLD PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE DRIVING
So I was driving through Scottsdale the other day, specifically, down the 101 between shea and cactus. Up ahead of me, I see break lights, and not just any break lights, but BUICK lights. So, as I swerve to avoid a near fatal accident with the taillights, and the car that was attached, I look inside, and see an old lady inside, who could barely see over the steering wheel. The reason for her brake lights being on, and why she was going 30 miles an hour, was that there were some landscaping workers, not on the road, but on the gravel. There was nothing in the road, and nothing that could even be remotely deserving of break lights like that. So naturally, I started cursing, and honking and flipping her off. Well, not really, but I should have. What I really did, was think of things that old people would be better off doing then driving. It went something as follows.
Construction work. - I mean, what could be better for them then getting out and getting some exercise and fresh air? Also, this will help when old people talk about things that happened in their day. You know, the "when I was your age, I could build a house in three days!" Well, now you have a chance, lets see it grandpa.
Army/marine corp. - you may be surprised at this, but I think that if you put an old person in a big enough tank, and just let them go in the general direction of whatever it is you want destroyed, you have a pretty good chance of getting whatever you want done. Also, they're going to die soon anyway, so it wouldn’t matter if they got blown up. It would be quicker and easier then cancer.
Computer Technician. - Haha just kidding, old people cant do that.
Farming. - Another good idea would be to put all old people on a HUGE farm, and just make them do it like they used to. Waking up at 5 to milk the cows? Doesn’t sound so good to me, but whatever. That way other farmers would soon go out of business, and would have to do something more productive, either that or go become white trash and liver in a trailer...which is funny.
Comedians. - In case you haven’t noticed, old people are funny. Sometimes they say things that no one should say, or they just talk about the way it was back in Nam. Either way, I would listen to some old person stand on stage and talk about the way it used to be. That has potential to be really great. And besides, if it was boring, you could just fire a gun, or drop a book or something, and then I practically guarantee it would make you laugh. HAHA flashbacks...
Work at the DMV. - Just cause I wouldn’t want too....
Baby Food. - I'm not going to say anything else
Anyways, all of these completely valid and good opinions should be put into action right now. Either that, or we could just launch all old people into space. Also entertaining.
If I left any good ideas out, please let me know.
As always, enjoy your day
Two things that bother me, Hypocrisy and Double Standards.
In case I only really exist in my own little world, and no one else knows what I’m talking about, I’ll give an example. Listening to two kids talking about video gaming the other day. One said that another kid was a loser because of the RPGs that he played. And this kid was really going off, like he had been personally offended by the video game playing or something. Anyways, after going on and on for a while, the conversation turns to other things, and with that, the kid who was doing the commenting, and who will be henceforth known as ‘the angry kid’ starts talking about his video game playing. He goes on about his shadow warrior (or something) with the same fervor that he seemed to have for hating the other kid’s video gaming. I was almost taken aback because of the inconsistency of the two conversations, only minutes apart. And again, had I been ruler of the world at this time, His head would have been a trophy on my wall. However, I’m not allowed to do things like that, and being a good law abiding citizen, I refrained.
I then realized, that I am a perpetrator of the same evil of having double standards for different people. I HATE THAT. This post, plus the previous statement, also makes me a hypocrite, and I don’t like hypocrites either. My hatred for them puts them on the list somewhere between hippies and communists….old communists that drive really slow.
So, using my deductive reasoning that I learned in geometry, I’ll put this together.
I hate people who use double standards.
I hate hypocrites.
I use double standards.
That makes me a hypocrite.
So I hate myself, not once, but twice over. However, hate is generally known as being a negative thing. So, on with the reasoning.
Hate is negative.
A negative and a negative make a positive.
So…
Hating myself twice is the same as not hating myself at all.
HA!
I’ll rationalize my way to the top if I have to.
Nate
Oh well, here I am again, breaking my rule. Ill say that the exception this time was that my last post was not of the highest caliber...which it wasn’t. Oh well, I’m over it. Onto newer and better matters.
I have never really had beef with this subject before; I have just been more pissed off at the people that engage in it. Calling them "stupid", "ugly", and "brain-dead" has never seemed too harsh. However, I almost seemed to require a new word this type of conversation that is unintelligible at best. So here it is:
Instant message conversations will cause the demise of our society.
Some people say that’s way over the line. However, these people are stupid, and deserve to get piled into a dump truck, and get dropped into a Giant Incinerator (patent pending). Let me just lay this out for you the way it will happen, and then my proposed solution, If I don’t go to bed first.
First, the internet is invented, and with that comes instant messaging. acronyms like 'lol' and 'roflol' and 'lmaoroflol' become common place, and soon, no one even notices or cares that language has been 'let go of' by society in return for meaningless robotic slang.
Second, these acronyms invade conversation, because hey, who wants to give a half hearted laugh at something that wasn't funny, when they can just say 'lol'? However, as much as I loathe 'lol', that isn’t the whole problem. Only like maybe one leg of the beast that is pointless conversation. The thing I really have issues with, and if it were a man, would take outside and beat with a chair, is the conversation that goes something like this"
a) hey
b) yo
a) sup?
b) nm, u?
a) n2m
b) cool
a) yea
b) dija see my new myspace pic?
a) yea!
a) lol!
a) cool
b) thx
b) thas me'n jim
a) i no jim
a) hes so funny
a) lol
b) lol
b) brb
a) k
....
b) bk
a) cool
a) bt i g2g
b) k
b) peace
a) bye
For the sake of me having something to bitch about, let’s review. I realize this was made up; however, I admit that sometime during my freshman or sophomore year, I had conversations like that, so don’t tell me that this isn’t real or could never happen. BECAUSE THEY HAPPEN EVERY DAY. And the worst part is, they are feeding into our face to face conversations. However, lest I forget, let’s see what was said in that fictional conversation.
NOTHING.
Nothing in that conversation matters to anyone, and all it boils down to be, is acronym typing practice, which is useful in its own right, don’t get me wrong, however, this is no conversation and will henceforth cease to be referred to as one.
As this element of pop culture permeates our very society, we become dumber and dumberer. (A lot like the movie...in that it wasn’t very good). This virus of poor communication will eventually move through our society so thoroughly that even teachers will be talking like that. As we lose our ability to communicate, we will have no need to think critically and having lost that, we lose our one ability that keeps the gorillas and monkeys in their place. Imagine:
A meeting of world leaders, all trying to communicate with pointing and grunting and, and every time a good point is made, a resounding chorus of "LOL!!" arises from the crowd.
That my dear friends, is no way to live.
We must put an end to this madness, starting with ourselves, and moving throughout our friends and family. The earliest version of the proposed solution involved nudity, axle grease and a shotgun. But it has been toned down to only involve those who agree with me wearing a black headband and carrying a large wooden club. For those of you who don’t want to go that far, I say you are a little girl, and maybe you should move to France. Anyways, help stop the progression of anarchy, and buy the shirts and bumper stickers.
Currently Reading
List Your Self For Kids : Listmaking as Fun Way to Get to Know Yourself
By IIene Seglove
see related
. After deciding to not take crap anymore, I feel better inside. No telling how this will play out in the two areas of my life that need it. i.e. boss at work/friend who needs to know his place. Time shall tell.
Anyways, onto something i feel is important enough to address.
Also, I just need a new post. My last one was not up to par.
Lets start with some background:
I take a class called History of the Vietnam War. This is my class where the teacher gives us some handouts, and then spends 45 minutes reading to us, as opposed to giving us 6 minutes to read it to ourselves. Not only that, but I have to keep up with the class, cause otherwise when he says "Nate, what did I just say?" I can give a decent answer and not get berated for saying something like "No one cares" under my breath, like I did a week ago.
So, onward to the top ten things that I could be doing instead of listening to him read.
10) Learn to shave with a straight razor---cause that would rock period. no questions asked.
9) Hack into the FBI and download a bunch of top secret pictures and use them as a screen saver for my computer---hey, everyone like the FBI
7) Learn to count. ---Hey Erik, at least I can read.
6) Invent a ToFone, the Toaster Cell Phone.---cause who knows when you're gonna get hungry in class and have a cold bagel and not want to eat it and go hungry and eventually pick up intravenous drug use....who knows? I sure don’t.
5) Read Michelle’s xanga--- delicious
4) Build a house out of something fun, like computer monitors. ---well, do you have any better ideas?
3) Cover my body in perfumed oils and interpretive dance to 80’s trance music---somebody told me that everyone would like me If I did that.
2) Study for government.--- hahaha! That’s funny cause …studying
and the number one thing to do instead of go to Vietnam class?
1) Kidnap a baby rabbit and threaten to eat him if people don’t donate 50 thousand dollars to your site by a certain date.
I'f you're not sure if you're a moron or not, it would be safe not to post comments on my site. (see previous post comments)
In other news, Fat Joe (the rapper, who you will know from the song "Lean Back") is a pussy.
He issued an ultimatum saying that if people didnt buy his new cd, then he's gonna quit the whole rap thing for good.
It sounds to me like someone didn't get enough attention growing up and now wants to take it out on the rest of the world by depriving them of his talent.
The absurdity of this makes me want to stop listening to rap altogether, and although that wont happen, I would like to see Fat Joe jump off a bridge when he sells a totall of 4 albums.
So, if you were planning on buying the CD. Don't. If you must have it, then steal it online.
People are so lame.
In other news, I hate pop culture.
I figured this out a couple days ago when I ran into some guys doing the whole 'cool' thing. i.e. wearing those freaking huge stupid Gucci glasses...indoors, with the collar popped on their stupid aeropostal or american eagal shirt, while listening to their ipods and talking about how emo bands have re-invented music.
What can you even say to somthing like that? (not that i could anyways, becuase I had to make more sandwiches)
ughh. everyone is a tool.
This is the part where the rational side of me kicks in and says "Hey n8, don't judge people like that, maybe its just their flavor and maybe they really like emo music."
After pondering this for a while, I decide to reply "Hey self, shut the hell up. Hating their flavor is my flavor so don't even play like you know."
Besides, I invented the oven, so all you haters can eat me.
This just in, another really stupid person
This is a complete quote, nothing has been edited, changed or left out.
"sexist is a stereotype y cant girls do the same as guys??? we r just as strong. and y cant guys be as elegant as gurl and not be considered gay???
we r all people wether we have an extra part or not.
i wanted to do boxing my parents told me no cause im a girl!
~ punkedfreak2005
no guy is worth your tears and the one who is wont make u cry
*~*GOTHS RULE ALL~ *~*~VAMPIRES ARE REAL!AHHHHHH!*~*~*~*"
I would like to say somthing about this, but there really arent any words for it. Once again, I'd like to thank AOL for ruining my life as they listed this article on their front page. I know I didn't have to click on it, but the quote was so FREAKING DUMB that I really wanted to know whether or not this person is as stupid as they seem. And they are.
As I scroll up and look at this quote, I'm baffled by the ineptitude of the writer. Maybe it's because they are six and illiterate, but the 2005 in their screen name suggests that they are the same age as me.
So, If you are as upset at this quote as I am, just because of the pure unfiltered lunacy of it, feel free to drop her a line at punkedfreak2005@aol.com.
Im going to start handing out tickets to people for being stupid.
I’M back. Without much of a vengeance.
So I went on a road trip. It was fun. I don’t have any pictures so you don’t really have to believe me if you don’t want too.
So I got this new idea at work today. Well, not really new, just refreshed.
It happened as I realized that everyone is stupid. Except for me. EVERYONE.
People come into my work and ask certain things that make me want to take my life, such as:
1) How much does [item] cost?
To which I would like to respond:
Hey moron, look at the effing menu. We only have six items, you illiterate glue sniffing idiot.
2) Can I get a sandwich?
(fyi: I work at subway)
To which I would like to respond:
No. go to hell.
3) I thought I told you it was a six inch?
To which I would like to respond:
I know what you told me you stupid orphan. Now give me 4 seconds to cut the bread in half before I cut your throat with the bread knife..
4) Can I get extra [item]?
To which I would like to respond:
No. go to hell
5) Where is [sandwich]?
To which I would like to respond:
On the menu you friggin brain cripple. My job is not to read to you.
6) Can I get [item that doesn’t exist]?
To which I would like to respond:
I KILL YOU WITH BEAR HAND!!!
7) Where is the bathroom?
To which I would like to respond:
Well, lets see. We have one hallway. Its not a big restaurant and if you move your fat ugly head 90 degrees to the right, you might see it you freaking waste of life.
And my personal favorite…
Where does the line start?
(There are large hanging signs that say “start here” as well as several other small hints, like the bread, the fact that the employee is waiting on the correct side, as well as the line traveling in that direction.)
The only real way to answer this question is by jumping over the counter, and grabbing the person by the head and repeatedly slamming it into various objects before screaming at them that they need to learn English. Then, because you’re just that frustrated, you break their neck and leave them bleeding on the floor, while their family looks on horrified.
As you may have guessed, I haven’t actually followed through on any of these ideas. But that’s because Tony my manager would probably cut my hours if I killed a customer.
Rereading this post makes me feel like I could never run for any public office, because someone would dig up this site and say “YEA HES A PSIKO [sic] LOL!!!!!1! And then I would have to kill them for being a moron.
Until next time.
Just don’t do anything stupid
Dear AOL,
It's over. We're through.
I'd like to say that I've met someone. But the truth is that I've met a lot of people. Frankly, everyone I meet is better then you. I mean, cable, DSL, Netscape, MSN, and even the mo'effin free ISPs like Juno and NETzero.
I can handle a lot of crap. I dont get pissed off really easily, but just being around you makes me want to punch a baby in the face. It's like that.
I would kill myself if my adrenaline didn't start coarsing so powerfully through my veigns that I stop being able to move my limbs.
Do you remeber the time when I said I liked you?
Well, I sure dont remember that, and Im pretty sure thats because i hate you with a passion usually reserved for small children and cats.
As soon as you started to pretend to be easy to use and an All-in-One internet provider, I knew I couldnt trust you. You're like a virus, trying to control all of my mail, my contacts, and my passwords. I tried to access somthing offline the otherday, but couldn't, because all my files are stored on an AOL computer.
I hope you die. you and your stupid welcome messages "Howzit Ethan280z?", "Halla Ethan280z" and "Yo Yo Yo Ethan280z". Well AOL, you aren't from the streets, and you certainly arent my friend. So keep your goddamn pop culture greetings to yourself.
If I had some sort of cyberknife, I would stab you in the neck and watch you die with a smile. Speaking of stabbing things that I hate, what the hell is the deal with the "featured content"? Is it an underground idiot contest brought to you by the creators of AOL? Because that would raise them up a few notches in my book, putting them somewhere near the Holocaust and Satan. Even so, and I highly doubt that any staff member of AOL has a sense of humor, you and those idiots you put on the "AOL Frontpage" make me want to papercut my eyes to avoid the idiot content.
I F#&KING HATE AOL.
I F#&KING HATE ITS PARENTAL CONTROLS AND EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT IT.
The wannabe trendy, controlling features have made me almost mad with rage after disallowing me from accessing my real mail account at Yahoo(which has never done me wrong, and which almost soothes the rage I have against AOL). The If-I-Cant-Have-It-Then-No-One-Can attitude is unbelelievly sickening and I can hardly voice my opinion without screaming or beating the monitor to death.
Hey Steve Case. You're a douche. I hope you die.
I'm so angry, I can hardly speak.
Hey George A. Romero. You suck.
So, I and some friends go see Land of the Dead a couple days ago. We expect a zombie move with occasional cheap thrills, and one that ends after the humans have either been a) killed and eaten by the zombies, or b) after the humans kill all of them. However we were severely disappointed.
Instead of being wowed by the amount of shovels that were put into zombies heads, we were forced to watch horrible zombies run around moaning at stupid crap and altogether pissing me off.
I’ll start off by saying this. I walked out and got my money back. I have never walked out of a movie before, but this one was just such a travesty, that I couldn’t help but leave before the whole genre was disgraced by Mr. Romero.
In the beginning of the movie, we see people tearing up abandoned villages and raiding them for supplies. They do this in the dark, the reason being, the zombies cant take their eyes off the fireworks that are shot into the sky. These “sky flowers” all but immobilize the zombies, and keep the humans safe.
I think that somewhere in the production of this movie, someone may have said, “well, can we just act the same way toward the viewers of this movie? I mean, by shooting fireworks or having lots of special effects and makeup and just hope that they don’t pay attention to the plot?” And everyone liked this idea, and that’s where they went off track.
I asked someone else about this, someone who said that they liked this movie, and it was probably the best zombie movie yet. Their response to this was that “That’s not possible; the plot was the most important part!!”
Well, this just in, but that person is an idiot.
The whole point of this story is that the zombies are being repressed by the somewhat elite humans, and that the zombies should just be left alone and everything would be alright.
NEWS FREAKING FLASH
Zombies are not people too. Zombies are good for two things: Killing with shotguns, and Killing with blunt objects. NOTHING ELSE.
Mr. Romero, you are dumb.
I guess he forgot that hiding some social commentary inside a movie doesn’t make it good. I mean, I can write a story with a moral and it doesn’t make it any better. Hell, I already did, and for those of you, who didn’t catch it, it wasn’t serious, it was more of a mockery of modern short stories. (See time magazine)
Anyways, not only was the movie bad, but the dialogue was fairly horrible as well. I quote
Riley - “Everybody has a story; I don’t want to hear anymore stories!!”
Sex Girl - “What’s your story”
Riley - “I don’t have a story.”
SHUT UP.
That was enough dialogue to last through the whole movie, BUT THERE WAS ENTIRELY TOO LITTLE ZOMBIE KILLING.
For those of you who saw this movie, think it rocks, and believe that Romero re-invented the zombie movie… your head has nothing in it.
I hate everyone who thinks that they are badass enough to take a dump on something classic, and claim that they created something that isn’t crap.
I dont care what y'all haters been sayin. I'm back....with a sufficient topic.
I HATE KIDS
Here's why i hate kids. Because kids can do cute little things like draw on the walls, or spit at strangers and they get away with it, because they're kids. When I spit at strangers, I get put into my place, especially when it was that huge black UCLA player. Let me tell you, Bad News.
Heres another reason I hate kids. Because kids can write little poems or draw cute pictures, and lo and behold, they get put into the sunday paper. Away go the delightful recepies that I think we all have grown to know and love, and in come these 6 line poems about trees and dragons and playgrounds, that make me want to ease the pain with a two cinderblocks. (All the poems were transcribed with the utmost care and attention to detail, and not altered in any way)
Let me give you an example.
This poem is by Sam Mosely
"Haiku"
Checkmate, check, pinned, win.
Playing chess out in the park.
Capture the black queen
No Sam. Bad Job. Go to your room because no one loves you. Thats not artistic, and no matter how much your teacher encourages this bad behavior, just know that your parents dont like your poem, and they wish you would stop bothering them. Besides Sam, its the king you want. NOT THE QUEEN. It wouldn't have even changed the poem at all, yet you didn't, just to piss me off. One more thing Sam. You should have a super original title for this poem, for example, "Chess" or "Park Chess". Don't ever let me see your name in the paper again.
Here's another by Grant Uphaus
"The Masked Caper"
Once upon a time, I made a ryhme.
It was bad so I gave it to my dad
He ate the paper, and turned into the Masked Caper
It was very sad, because I lost my dad
My dad is the Masked Caper because he ate the paper.
Well Grant, I think the only thing you did right was admitting that you're rhyme wasnt very good. In fact, I'd say it was damn near unforgivably bad. And what makes you think that your dad wants your piss poor writing any more then you do?!
You know what Grant?
You made your dad so angry with your poem that he left, and I'd say that he is probably never coming back. I hope you feel good about what you've done. I mean, besides tearing your family apart and basically putting yourself up for adoption.
One more poem, Just to prove a point.
"A Friend"
I step in a puddle, look down and find a friend
A friend
I look on the brightside, he's not an
Unknown blend, he's a friend
I am so excited, I want to meet this friend, this friend
I am so angry, he's just a reflection, not a friend.
-Austin Allen
Hey Austin, now do you know why your parents dont let you go outside or talk to anyone? Cause they dont like you, and I would say that you probably havent helped that by writing this poem, having it printed in the newspaper, and PUTTING YOUR LAST NAME ON IT! You've discraced your entire family, and anyone who shares your last name.
You don't have any friends Austin, and you probably never will.
Childrens Christmas Pageants: more fun then sodomizing yourself.
So, once again, as christmas roles around, I am forced to journey to church to watch the childrens annual depiction of the birth of Christ. Now, dont take this the wrong way, I'm all for christmas, its just the holiday spirit that comes with it that I dislike.
For example. The whole "show", if you will, was filled with not so witty remarks from children that envoked a laugh from the entire crowd. Statements like "Totally!" and "I'm confused!" were commonplace, and apparently hilarous. I'm not sure who wrote that actuall rendition of the chirstmas story, but I do not enjoy them. They must have forgotten the 9th rule of comedy.
"...however much you would be tempted to put a child in as a comedic role, do not do so unless the child is crying." (Rogers and Hammerstein, 151)
Also, NO CHILDREN SINGING. I am opposed to this in all ways possible. Be it We sing sing-alongs, or We sing happy songs or any other "we sing" that involves childrens voices and music, I DONT LIKE IT. UGH!! ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY GET TO SOLO. NOT ALLOWED!!
:::Side note::: It's a fun game to look at the ground when the children are taking turns singing, and try to guess which gender the singer is. I myself went 2 for 4 :::End Side Note:::
And one more thing....
If you are going to go to the Childrens Musical at church, then walk out smiling and feeling at peace with mankind, you BETTER FREAKIN NOT CUT ME OFF IN THE PARKING LOT YOU JERK.
It's christmas eve, and im NOT BITTER
Hostel: Single-handedly reforming America
Now, first off, I 'd like to say that I can handle my fair share of gratuitous violence and other disturbing images. I'd say more so then most people.
Going into this movie with Mr Kyle Andrew Wade, I was looking foward to a dramatic thriller with suspense and twist that Saw and Saw II had. Both of these fairly disturbing movies pale in comparison to the attrocity that is Hostel. I would say that both Saws seem more like saturday morning cartoons then actual scary movies.
I honestly dont understand what the point of this movie was. I sincerely hope that this was some sort of social commentary, stating how far we as a culture had fallen if a movie like this could permeate our movie theaters and recieve a decent amout of money opening weekend.
This is what the back of the DVD will say when Hostel is unfortunately released to the public....
"Hostel" is rated R (Under 17 requires accompanying parent or adult guardian). It pushes the category to the limit with nonstop profanity, bigotry, drug use, nudity and a great deal of extremely graphic torture, dismemberment and murder"
Extremely graphic torture?
Eli Roth must have some extremely adolecent sadistic urges that only come out when they have to scar audiences everywhere.
On top of the horrific scenes and the awful images that are now forever imbued into my mind, oh, and the porn, lots and lots of it.... IS THAT IT WASN'T A GOOD MOVIE.
The characters were awful, the two heroes were douche bags, and the action plays straight out. No twists, no suprises. after the first 45 minutes go by, you can pretty much predict the rest of the movie. I mean, I did, cause I was staring at my lap for the last halk of it, listening to screams and power tools.
Ugh. Dont see this movie.
If you do see this movie, Im taking a drill to your knees.
actually, you know what? this movie was such a horrible thing for me, that i think im gonna clean up my life, start going to church again and quit the cocaine...
Knock Knock Jokes: The Red-Headed Stepchild of Comedy.
So the other day, I was thinking about the last time I had used a Knock Knock joke( from here on out, refered to as a KKJ ), and it struck me that it had to have been sixth or seventh grade. And i might add, that at this point in my life, I was NOT cool. AFter refering back to all the KKJs that I know, it struck me that not only were KKJs lame, but they were UBER LAME.
Now, normally, things that have the word "joke" in them are actually pretty much good times... i.e. Helen Keller Jokes, Dead Baby Jokes etc. This being the case, I had to know for certain if KKJs were actaully as lame as I was making them out to be. So.....fortunately, I have in my possession, Doctor Knock-Knock's Official Knock- Knock Dictionary. So I made it my goal to read through it, and now looking back on it, wish that i had not. I wish that I had done somthing a little less destructive to my brain with my time, like put it into a wood chipper.
Upon reading some of these ABSOLUTLEY AWFUL KKJs contained within this book ( which was obviously meant for someone like Carrot Top ) I have seen that the best KKJ, and the only one that I knew beforehand goes somthing like this....
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Orange you glad i didnt say bannana again?
before you get all riled up about the straight up BUTCHERY of this 3rd grade classic KKJ, I'd jsut like to say that this is how I remembered it, and its my website, so I can do whatever I want.
Before I reveal, for your enjoyment and astonishment, some KKJs from Doctor Knock-Knock's Official Knock- Knock Dictionary (which will henceforth be refered to as CTFB(which is obviously short for Carrot Top's favorite book)), I would like to break a KKJ down for you...to disect it, in a way, to see where the comedy is supposed to be coming from.
Knock Knock! (This is the word that we americans use to symbolize a rapping on wood, primarily, with regard to someone being at the door)
Who's there? (A contraction for "who is there". We assume there is a person within the inclosure that the aforementioned door provides inquiring into who is outside.)
*Sidenote* The following knock knock joke was takin from page 20 of Doctor Knock-Knock's Official Knock- Knock Dictionary. The author of this website does not condone said knock knock joke *End Sidenote*
Cigarette. (A tobacco product that should be used by only those who are eighteen and older. The Surgeon General does not condone the use of this KKJ either. Apparently, within the context of this joke, a cigarette is at the door.)
Cigarette who? (The aforementioned person within the aforementioned enclosure takes the thought of a cigarette being at his door very seriously, and chooses to ask for a last name or some other identifying agent.)
Cigarette life if you don't weaken. (The punchline. Now, If I were the aforementioned person within the aforementioned enclosure, I would now grab a gun/shovel/crowbar, and see if this intruder with poor taste in punchlines wanted to actually make me laugh, or if they were just intent on making me want to kill myself just to rid myelf of the punchline of a joke from someone with the comedic sense of a microsoft word spell checker.)
As you can see, NOT FUNNY.
IF that isnt enough to convince you, I'll copy some prime examples from CTFB into this post.
Until next time, goodnight.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cello
Cello who?
Cello Dear.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Anthem
Anthem who?
You Anthem devil you!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Anna
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Louisiana
Louisiana who?
Louisiana boy friend broke up
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Punch
Punch who?
Not me, I just got here!
(p.s. If you tell the above joke in public, everyone will hit you.)
Currently Reading
Top Ten of Everything 2006 (Top 10 of Everything)
By Russell Ash
see related
I'm much nicer then I used to be, however, I still feel the need to make a list every once in a while. So I give you now (still trying to think of a topic.....)
THE TOP TEN WORST WAYS TO DIE
10) Accidentally die (oops!)
I feel like this would be pretty bad because no one would remember 10 years later. Like if you slipped and fell off a stepladder, or just got gangrene or santigola. An unfortunate accidental death, to be sure.
9) Get 'noised' to death.
Like for instance, you're in someone’s car with a huge stereo system, and he gets out to go drop off a key to his ex girlfriend because he just got kicked out of her apartment because she caught him in bed with a 400lb Russian woman, and so they're yelling at each other, and you're in the car by yourself. So you turn up the volume as high as it can go, just to check, and then you cant figure out how to turn it down or off, and you cant figure out how to get out of the car, so you just die. That’s some serious p0wnge.
8) Crushed to Death by aforementioned Russian woman.
you know, you're just hanging out with they guys, and you're playing some truth or dare, and one thing leads to another......
7) Grilled
...out nicely,(oh!) in my white tee. Or on south beach,(oh!) in my wife-b....
Or not, but I'm talking about a slow roast over a propane fire. Man, that would suck
.
6) The Rack.
A classic medieval torture technique. Priceless. and REALLY SUCKY. I mean, getting drawn and quartered? Bad times for the old internal organs, and I guess, everything else.
5) Insulted to death
This would be bad, because it would kind of end up being death from either starvation, or from having low spirits. I mean, can you imagine, being tied to a chair and having two british guys rotating shifts just telling you that you've got bad taste in furniture or something. That would be rough.
4) Decomposition
Just slowly falling apart.as you lead your life and there's nothing you can do about it. And everyone’s watching, and you're naked, and you're embarrassed, and you start to cry, but that just speeds up the process. Let me just say, bad times.
3) Raptor Mauling
On top of being horrifically painful, It's also almost 'I hope you brought a change of pants' scary.
2) Cheese Grated to death.
Until the other day, I would have said that this is number 1. When I say cheese grated to death, I mean, starting at the toes, going up the legs until the deed is done. MAD CRAZY PAINFUL and ridiculously insane and bad. super bad. nothing good about this.
finally, the number 1 worst way to die, ever:
1) Brokeback'd
I'm talking about locked in a room with 6 screens, one on every wall, and plus, they cut out your eyelids. No getting away from it, you're going to die very painfully. There is nothing in the world worse then this. I don’t think I need to describe the torture that would proceed the death. But it would be brutal
What the crap are you thinking? Part I:
…stories from work
So, in case you don’t know, I work at a place called Paddock Pools. I actually didn't know until last week, that it was in actuality, a Mecca for the cognitive misers of Scottsdale. (stupid people)
One of the newest incidents of absolute stupidity in the Pool Fun Dept. made me incredulous with almost morbid curiosity. How does someone’s head become so inundated with bong resin and nothingness?
However, I digress. Here’s what happened.
So, as I stand behind my counter in the pool shop, waiting for some customers to come and partake of my knowledge, and a well dressed, decent looking middle aged woman comes walking up to my “spot”, with “I have a question” written all over her face.
With this in mind, I ask if I can help her, knowing the answer to that question already.
She proceeds to annoy me with the question
“do you have any pool toys?”
Obviously we do. It comprises ½ of the entire back of the store.
So I point her in the right direction with a sigh, and resume my vigil.
Abruptly, the same woman approaches me with another question.
“Do you have any inflatable toys?”
Another sigh from me.
That’s all we have. Those and goggles.
So I walk her over to the three isles where we keep the inflatable toys, and gesture Vana White style towards the rows and rows of pool toys.
Note: I forgot to mention that this woman had a hyperactive Asian daughter who must have been about 4 or 5.
…like, this girl was crazy, She talked faster then a chipmunk that had taken a shot of pure adrenaline.
End Note
So anyways, the woman points to a inflatable seal with handles on it. She first consults her kid, to see if this is acceptable or not. After about 2 minutes of chatter, I discern that the little girl does indeed like the seal.
So the mom turns to me, and asks
Woman “Well, if I were to buy this, how would she play with it?”
Nate “ Ummm…well, I’d imagine that she would mount the seal and ride around on it…”
Nate internally: I think I’m going to kill you.
Woman “Oh! So it has jet propulsion?”
Nate “ What?!”
Nate Internally: Did you just say jet propulsion? The box is a little bigger then my hand and you ask about jet propulsion? Do you know anything?
Woman “You know, with the power drives and stuff”
Nate “I don’t think they put power drives on that model”
Nate Internally: Wait, are we talking about the same thing here?
Woman “Oh. Do you know if you have the ones with the power drives?”
Nate “ma’am, there is no such thing.”
Nate internally: *tears hair out and punches self in face*
Woman “But didn’t you used to sell them?
Nate “No.“
Nate internally: AGHHHH!!!
Woman “Why not?
Nate “Mostly because they don’t exist”
Woman “Oh”
-long pause-
Woman “How about this octopus?”
Nate “Yes….”
Nate internally: Oh, check it out. Not only do I have to do everything else around this store, but now my job includes reading your mind? Fabulous.
Note: The octopus is a large yellow floating thing; about nine or ten feet long, and the box shows several children playing on/around it.
End Note
Woman “How can children play with it if there is only one child?”
Nate “What?”
Nate internally: WTF!?
Woman “You know… what can one child do on this float?”
Nate “ I honestly don’t know anymore”
Nate internally: *jaw drops in amazement*
Woman “Well, is there someone who would know?”
Nate “Nope”
Nate internally: I hate you.
Woman “Well, think about it. How would you play with it?
Note: By this time, even professional, customer service x 1 jillion percent Nate has had enough.
End Note
Nate “I wouldn’t play with it. Do I look fruity to you?”
Woman “no, I didn’t mean it like that!”
Nate “I have real work to do. Have a nice day”
I don’t know what to think about people like that.
But it definitely makes me want to allow abortions into the 50th or 60th trimesters.
Well, thats all I have to offer you. I hope you enjoyed what you read.
I hope we're still friends..
posted by Nate at
7:03 PM
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