Methamphetamines; The Single Most Comical Thing To Emerge From Bathtubs Since I Stopped Bathing.

The funny thing about drugs, is that everyone does them.
Now I know what you're parents say...I've heard them all before too.

"down with dope, up with hope"
"Just pass on grass"

But even though people will tell us to just say no to peer pressure, and not smoke or drink or do a line of cocaine in the back of your car just before you go shopping, None of this helps, because everyone is on drugs.
And here in Arizona, I can get a little more specific by saying that everyone is on crystal meth. Welcome to Phoenix, meth capital of the world.
Here are some of the active ingredients in meth
Psuedoephedrine. (found in sudafed)
Iodine Crystals (found in Iodine tincture)
Red Phosphorus (the little pad on the back of matchbook)
Propane
Acetone
Methanol
Muriatic Acid
Lye (the kind found in drain cleaners)

Lets be honest. Who wouldn't want to ingest a great big lungful of those delicious materials.
I certainly would.
And it would seem that so would the lady that is the subject of my newest story.


So, I'm sitting in the backroom on my lunch break. Enjoying a delightful sandwich and some delicious bottled water. I've got my shirt unbuttoned, a hat on backwards and my feet upon the table. Life is good.
All of the sudden, I hear some indistinguishable yelling coming from the poolshop. Then a lady bursts through the door in the backroom and yells:
"DO YOU HAVE THIS PART?!"
I don't know if she was talking to me or not, but she certainly wanted an answer. So all I could really do was stare at her and wonder whether or not she was serious, and all of the sudden, she turns around, walks out and starts yelling some more.
So, I'm always down for a good time, so I go out to see more of what's going on. I'm still on lunch.
This crazy woman is parading up and down the isle, followed by one of my associates, who looks unbearably confused. As I have unwisely come out from my sanctuary in the back room, my fellow associate comes to me for help. (This happens so regularly that I can't get mad anymore)
Clearly, I could have made an excuse and said that I just came out for water or a book or something, but as I am intrigued by this woman, I take the burden on myself of trying to find what she's looking for.
This woman is still running wildly through the back of the store, and she seems agitated out of her mind. As I got closer to her, I realized that it wasn't agitation, but CRYSTAL METH.
(for anyone confused as to how I know so much about it, I got all of the ingredients off of a website a few minutes prior to writing this, and I used to work with a guy who would do crystal in the bathroom then go help customers. Which was a neat experience.)
This woman is in her late 40's or early 50's, and she looked about the same age as my mom. One of the key differences though, is that my mom's skin is not pock marked and scarred from the scratching that comes with drug use. Seriously, this woman was in worse shape then a high schooler with chronic acne.
But I digress.
So the woman, who will be henceforth referred to as "space cadet" holds up a plastic piece that looks like it could have come from anything, cars, bikes, children's action figures, etc. She orders me to show her where I "hid her part". I went the the normal question game with her.
What's it from? (I donno)
What does it look like (It's white)
Does it move (yes)
What's its function (sweepy thing)
Does it have a hose (yes)
Is it a vacuum (yes)
is it a Hayward (no)
Is it a Polaris (maybe)
and on and on and on.
Finally, after asking space cadet about five minutes worth of questions, during which she not only couldn't keep still, but also kept rubbing her eyes and nose and interjecting into my questions with muttering about "...Worthless, cant understand, needs to go back to school..."
I felt like I was talking to Golem, from Lord of the Rings. She would answer to my face, but curse at me under her breath like I couldn't hear her.
At this point, I'd been having a really good day, So I decided instead of telling her to get a spoon and eat my ass, I just went along with whatever she said and followed her around the store, listening to her claims and demands get more and more ludicrous as time went on.
At one point, she turned to me and screamed (so much so that the people in front of the store jumped a little) to just "GIVE ME THE GODDAMN PART ALREADY!!"
I don't want to relate all of what she said, but when all was said and done, I had been called a whole slew of expletives that I don't dare repeat for fear that my little sister would read this and be scarred.
Maybe I should have explained earlier on that I did figure out what part it is that she wanted, and it was a part that we don't stock, have never stocked and that she would have no way of getting it, aside from ordering it from me. So I follow her around and listen to her insist that she has gotten it here before, all the while trying to explain that she was mistaken, and that couldn't have happened.
But then, the highlight of my day occurs when this woman get so frustrated that she cannot find this part in the store that she turns to me, utters some inhuman growl, and SLAPS ME IN THE FACE!!!
I wasn't watching her, because I was working on ordering the part from our supplier, so this came as quite a shock to me, as you can imagine.
So I turn to look at her, and she tries to hit me again.
(best part of my day) As she swings, I grab her arm, look her right in the eyes, and calmly get on the intercom and page my boss.
My boss comes back, and as the lady screams and howls about abuse, some random dude explains to my boss what had happened, and he calls the police.
The police come, and arrest space cadet, and take her out of the store in handcuffs.
The dude who told my boss what had happened wrote some customer comment card about how well I had handled the situation, and I went back on lunch.
Like I said,
Drugs are hilarious.

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I'm going straight to hell.

So.
As more and more time goes by, and I respect my job less and less each day due to various details that I wont bore you with, I become more and more belligerant toward everything, but mostly, people who suck.
Naturally, there's a story to go with this.



One fine monday afternoon at Paddock Pools, I was sitting in the back, minding my own business, when some old lady walks into the back.
One of our 'pool associates' greets her, and recieves no response.
This aforementioned pool associate wanders into the back, leaving me outside, rebuilding a pool cleaner.
The old lady, who had gone into the chemical section of the store now turned around, and said "Excuse ME! (clears throat) I NEED some HELP over here!!!"
(the italics are to throw emphasis on the words that she emphasised, however, the supreme rudeness of this phrase cannot be communicated through a poorly made website on the internet)
She said this in such a manner, that even though I don't know what It would feel like to have 'my blood run cold', I think it did.
No joke here, the hair on my arms stood up in the same way that it would if it were extremely cold outside, or if someone were running their nails down a chalkboard.
I feel like I could be reiterating myself here, but my breath was literally sucked out of my chest cavity.
It may have been be the most concilliatory/arrogant/most menacing tone I have ever heard a phrase uttered in. ever.
ANYWAYS
she says this, and I, as a rational person couldn't overcome the cognative dissonance I felt enough to even talk to the hag in the back of my store, so I keep my head down, and keep working on the cleaner.
The demand for attention comes again.
I'll spare you the details listed above, because It was just about as blood curdling.
I keep working with no response given.
At this point, I believe all the other employees were in the back somewhere.
The demand comes again.
I still don't look.
I hear a sigh of...I would hesitate to call it exasperation, because it was so ripe with sadism as well.
Then footsteps coming toward me.
Then a fist comes down on the counter in front of me
"HELLO!!!!!"(yelling)
I look up to see the snarling face of an old bitter woman staring daggers and used hyperdermic needles at me.
"ARE YOU DEAF?!!"(also yelling)
At this point, if there was a face inside of me, it would have started smiling maniacally.
On the outside, I give her a simple smile, and write on a piece of paper; "I'm Deaf"



If there was one point in my life that I wish I had a camera, it was then.
The face that had been staring so awfully at me before twisted into almost a sickened look, and I could have swore that it changed colors a little bit as well.
It seemed like she was going to throw up, and she only managed to whisper "I'm sorry" before she walked out of the store as fast as she could.
I couldn't help but say "have a good day" in my best mentally handicapped voice as she walked out of the pool shop.


The funny part was, that these two dudes were still in the general vicinity, and I had helped them(talked to them) five minutes prior to that incedent.
One of them walked straight up to me, put out his hand and said "that was the funniest thing I have ever seen. You, my friend, have balls"
The other one had tears in his eyes from laughing, and took a picture of my on his camera phone.


pOwnd

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It's not you, It's me.

...Just because no one understands you, doesn't make you an artist...

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Do you suck? Take this quiz and find out!

Question number 1:
Do you wear huge sunglasses?

A) yes
B) no




Scroll Down to see how you scored!!!!











































If you answered A to any of these questions, give yourself 10 points

If you answered B to any of these questions, give yourself 0 points




Now add up your score and scroll down for results!!!

















































If you got 0 or less points, it would seem that you don't actually suck. However, we here at QuizMaster.com would like to remind you that even though this quiz says you don't suck, chances are that you probably do anyhow.

If you got more then 0 points....You totally suck.





But seriously. Huge sunglasses are not only stupid, but they also have no purpose other then the absolutely ridiculous style that they slam into the faces of innocent bystanders, whose only crime was being in the same place as someone who would wear sunglasses that make themselves look so ridiculous.
For example:

A style perpetuated by the likes of Paris Hilton(who sucks) and Nicole Richey (who totally sucks) is being sanctified by stupid girls everywhere, I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT.

My reasoning behind the hatred of sunglasses of this magnitude is not completely fair, granted, but I'll reiterate that this is my blog so anyone else can go to hell. However, my indiscriminate loathing had to find something to latch on to after a heinous day at work yesterday, and It just so happened that in my wanderings of the grocery store, I ran across a steriotypical scottsdale girl who wouldn't get out of my way. Not only was she talking on her cell phone in her "outside voice", but she was wearing HUGE SUNGLASSES that practically went out of their way to assault my placid stroll.
They seemed to leap off her face and look me right in the eyes, and by doing so frustrate me beyond belief. I wanted to tap her on the shoulder, and when she turned around, rip off her glasses, throw them on the floor and stomp on them until they were in exactly 1 trillion pieces.
Ugh.
I don't know how sunglasses like this came to be such a fad. My grandmother was wearing glasses like these since before I can remember. I cant understand how this would come to be such a valley-girl-vomit-inducing fad from what it was....Old people glasses.

















eww.

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Dear Lord, Please Help me to Forgive Them

This is where I tell a story about my day today with frequent interjections.
Background:
I wake up late, at 7:20, and barely shower before I have to leave and take my sister to school. I eat an apple on the way. I get there late, my manager berates me, and I have to clean up all the crap that the idiots the night before left for me. Nice.
All this to say, it was not a good day to eff with me.


"Hi, I was wondering If you have any light ups [sic] for the pool"
"ummm, yea, they're all up in front of the store"
"No"
(I should have cut her off at this point without letting it escalate any further. My bad.)
"excuse me?"
"They don't have them up there, I asked."
"Well... I can show you where they are if you like..."
"duh"
"pardon me ma'am?"
"Thats why I came back here"
"...right"
(Maybe she's just a lunatic, and maybe she'll leave the store....yea, that's what might happen.)
-leads woman to front of store-
"Here are all the lights we have for the pool"
"Those are obviously NOT what I'm talking about"
"What are you talking about?"
-insert exasperated sigh here-
"Lights that move around your pool and clean it!"
(WOA! I'm totally suprised that you have no idea what you're talking about!)
"...."
"Look, I know you have them. I saw them online. Now where are they?"
"Ma'am, I don't know what internet sites you frequent, but I promise you this, there is no such thing as a pool cleaning light"
"Is your manager here?"
"He's busy, do you want to wait?"
(He's not busy, I just hate you)
"No, I just want to buy the goddamn light!"
"...no such thing ma'am"
"I saw them back there!"
"Then why are we having this conversation?"
(I'll admit, I'm a bit short with her, however, If you find yourself pitying her, please stop doing that. Or just stop talking to me.)
-under her breath "useless..."-
-we walk to the back and she points to a Hayward pool cleaner-
"There!"
"there what?"
"Thats what I'm talking about"
(I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!)
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but you made it quite clear to me that you wanted a light for your pool"
"No"
(At this point, onlookers swear that they felt the ground shake with my anger)
"Let me be frank ma'am, you don't make sense, and I dont know what you want."
"Ugh! I just want a light for the cleaner!"
"I THOUGHT YOU JUST SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT A LIGHT"
(The capital letters don't signify yelling, rather, a grating of teeth, and a monosyllabacle snarl.)
"I do want a light."
"Lets start over ma'am. Welcome to Paddock, my name is Nate. What are you looking for?"
(Did you say you wanted a beatdown?)
"A light"
(I guess so...)
"for what"
"obviously, I need one for my pool cleaner!"
"let me try to clarify this. You want a light, that sits on your pool cleaner as it moves around the pool?"
"Yeah, thats what I've been saying"
"Right...umm, those dont exist"
"yes they do"
"no, actually there is no such thing. If I were you I would (KILL MYSELF) try a flashlight and duct tape."
"I saw them online"
(Liar!)
"I beleive you"
"you know what? You are not being helpful, I would like to see your manager."
"you got it ma'am"
So i call my manager back, and this incredibly bitter and stupid woman, who forced me to re-evaluate my position on the justifiable homicide is nothing but sweet to him. He explains that no such thing exists, and she goes about her business. Oh. But first she fills out a customer complaint card. About who you ask?
Not me.
Thats right, I was wearing someone elses nametag throughout the whole ordeal, so they got the complaint instead, which is funny, because they wern't even working

So as of now, the score is:
Nate - 1
Crazy Bitch - 0

What a day. But I feel better now. Better enough to write a haiku.

I want to like you.
But I am afraid you suck.
I need more money.

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